There isnt a lot of things that add great value to a person's life, but this morning as I was driving to work, the thought of my dad, Mr PJ Meintjes, made me think, that there are somethings, that should be mentioned.
A common idea exists that chivalry is dead and the female emancipation supports this idea 120%. Well, I am an independant woman, but there are certain things that is just so beautiful, it isnt things necessarily taught to men by there mom's, because I've seen brother's act differently... it is something flowing out of the core of the MAN, the REAL MAN!!
I believe I am still single, because I measure everybody else against the standards my dad has set, which is quite high... given, he does care for all of us, my mother and my sisters dearly! He is not perfect, nobody is, but you can count on him to be the man, doesnt matter where life has left him.
I never got this idea of being the "man" in the house, I thought it was an ancient notion, which had no place in the modern society and then suddenly, I moved back home for a few weeks and I lived through a paradigm shift, I forgot, what I had experienced as a child, before I moved out 19 years ago.
Let me give you a few examples, from my dad and from other men, I can still remember, because being who they are made them worth remembering!!
My dad is terribly ill the last few weeks, he is struggling to walk and he actually fell twice in the past two weeks, from just being in too much pain to actually "lift his legs".. at first when I moved home, I thought we will probably have to baby him. No, on the contrary, shuffle shuffle, my dad would walk to the front gate to open it, for me before I would leave for work. He would get up and still add value to the household. Yes, it is taking him longer, but he has his pride and although in pain and tired, he would stay : " Mommy I will move those 5 koi, from the one dam to the other!" In my mind, I'd like to see it happen, but I am sure he will make it happen. I take my hat off to this man in my life.
I dont want to be waited on hands and foot, my dad is very quick to tell me to do the dishes... ;-) ....
More examples, I knew a guy who would get up off his chair, the moment a lady / woman enters the room, no matter her status and looks. At first I was taken aback, how to react, and then I noticed, it is just respect and acknowledgement and with this respectful gesture, my respect for this young man is more than you can believe.
The other morning I walked out of my home and the neighbour, backed his wife's car out the garage and left it running, ready for her to leave, she came out of the house, with him opening doors, as she climbed in the car with their 2 year old baby, on the way to work. He did this as if it is the most natural thing on earth.
It is the little things that makes an amazing MAN! Those things you do, because it comes from your soul! You dont treat some people badly and other's with respect, because they add value to your life. You will treat the waitress with the same respect as your date... and I will know you are a REAL MAN!
Whether us independent women would like to know it or not, we are the weaker sex and we ream about a strong man at our side. Not muscles, but soul! Yes, it is easier for you to pick up heavy things, but that pain is fleeting, I will do it myself, if need be. But oh, treating me with respect, especially if I am a stranger...... WOW! WOW! WOW! What a MAN you are?! I would pray that I would be a WOMAN of WORTH, that could stand by your side and support you through your hard times.
Like I will do now, as a daughter, to the most wonderful Father! Thanku for loving me Pappie, but more thank you for respecting me as a person.
Monday 17 October 2011
Sunday 11 September 2011
Is being a strong woman a sin?
Is it just me? Or is an independent thinking woman often a misunderstood woman?
Why when a woman gets older, she is less likely to find a partner that she would be able to adapt to?
I've always been fascinated with the history of the witches and the witch hunts. I do believe yes, power does corrupt and some of these women were really powerful, due to their knowledge and influence, but nobody would be able to tell me that they were all evil!
Why do being a witch, also goes with being a healer? I actually found an article that aligns my profession nursing to the witch practice. (http://tmh.floonet.net/articles/witches.html)
Here is a short snippet from the article:
"Who were the witches, then, and what were their "crimes" that could arouse such vicious upper class suppression? Undoubtedly, over the centuries of witch hunting, the charge of "witchcraft" came to cover a multitude of sins ranging from political subversion and religious heresy to lewdness and blasphemy. But three central accusations emerge repeatedly in the history of witchcraft throughout northern Europe: First, witches are accused of every conceivable sexual crime against men. Quite simply, they are "accused" of female sexuality. Second, they are accused of being organized. Third, they are accused of having magical powers affecting health—of harming, but also of healing. They were often charged specifically with possessing medical and obstetrical skills.
First, consider the charge of sexual crimes. The medieval Catholic Church elevated sexism to a point of principle: The Malleus declares, "When a woman thinks alone, she thinks evil.""
Sometimes I feel like I am alienated, because I call a spade a spade, but in the same sense,some people keep on coming back for more. My path has not been the normal path of creating my own little family and creating a home. There are times when I do feel insufficient, I cant understand, why a girl of 16 could be given the gift of a child, but at 36 I seem to be barren.
However things are clearer and clearer, that I am here to help heal. I've kicked against my purpose, selfishly clinging to things that I believed would make me as an individual happy.... and somehow that selfishness has never brought me any satisfaction or happiness, I've lost everything and anything that kinda meant a lot to me....
Somehow the moment I accept that nothing and nobody would be mine, things go better, the conflict lessens.
So the fact that I have a mine of my own and that I call a spade a spade and that I dont need anybody, I want people in my life.... doesnt make me a "wrong" person.. an evil person.... a feminist, as someone once called me.
I am actually quite serving..... I love healing and serving and helping....
This witch is finding her place in society.... let me think a bit more... and watch this spot.
:-)
Why when a woman gets older, she is less likely to find a partner that she would be able to adapt to?
I've always been fascinated with the history of the witches and the witch hunts. I do believe yes, power does corrupt and some of these women were really powerful, due to their knowledge and influence, but nobody would be able to tell me that they were all evil!
Why do being a witch, also goes with being a healer? I actually found an article that aligns my profession nursing to the witch practice. (http://tmh.floonet.net/articles/witches.html)
Here is a short snippet from the article:
"Who were the witches, then, and what were their "crimes" that could arouse such vicious upper class suppression? Undoubtedly, over the centuries of witch hunting, the charge of "witchcraft" came to cover a multitude of sins ranging from political subversion and religious heresy to lewdness and blasphemy. But three central accusations emerge repeatedly in the history of witchcraft throughout northern Europe: First, witches are accused of every conceivable sexual crime against men. Quite simply, they are "accused" of female sexuality. Second, they are accused of being organized. Third, they are accused of having magical powers affecting health—of harming, but also of healing. They were often charged specifically with possessing medical and obstetrical skills.
First, consider the charge of sexual crimes. The medieval Catholic Church elevated sexism to a point of principle: The Malleus declares, "When a woman thinks alone, she thinks evil.""
Sometimes I feel like I am alienated, because I call a spade a spade, but in the same sense,some people keep on coming back for more. My path has not been the normal path of creating my own little family and creating a home. There are times when I do feel insufficient, I cant understand, why a girl of 16 could be given the gift of a child, but at 36 I seem to be barren.
However things are clearer and clearer, that I am here to help heal. I've kicked against my purpose, selfishly clinging to things that I believed would make me as an individual happy.... and somehow that selfishness has never brought me any satisfaction or happiness, I've lost everything and anything that kinda meant a lot to me....
Somehow the moment I accept that nothing and nobody would be mine, things go better, the conflict lessens.
So the fact that I have a mine of my own and that I call a spade a spade and that I dont need anybody, I want people in my life.... doesnt make me a "wrong" person.. an evil person.... a feminist, as someone once called me.
I am actually quite serving..... I love healing and serving and helping....
This witch is finding her place in society.... let me think a bit more... and watch this spot.
:-)
Monday 5 September 2011
My DAD.....
My dad is probably one of the people I can look up to most. He has such a wonderful sense of humor. At this point in his life he is very ill, he is starting to show symptoms of Raynaud's disease. He has so much pain, at the moment the middle finger in his left hand is blue in colour and the slightest touch has my dad in pain.
He went to see a vascular specialist, who told my dad he would have to amputate. My dad, looked at him seriously and then asked: " How am I supposed to get from Jo'burg back home then, without my finger?".... The doctor puzzled didnt quite get my dad's meaning..... My dad smiled and said : " I need to be able to show these stupid drivers n Jo'burg my middle finger " Holding the blue finger up in the air!
I love my dad so much. Seeing him get old and frail, is such a brick in my stomach not to mention my heart.
As he told me this story I remember other stories of how he would suprise people with his wit, sometimes, people might even miss it, because he does it with so much convincing....
He was stopped by a traffic cop once, for speeding.... The cop was filling in the form and at the question : "Occupation".. my dad responded... " I am a planner"... .the cop looked at him, like if to say.... huh?.... my dad continued by saying.... " I definitely didnt plan this!"
I love my dad so much, I would do anything to be able to make his suffering less. Reading up on Raynaud's disease and praying that he will have many comfortable years for me, my mom and the rest of my sisters!
Love you DAD!
He went to see a vascular specialist, who told my dad he would have to amputate. My dad, looked at him seriously and then asked: " How am I supposed to get from Jo'burg back home then, without my finger?".... The doctor puzzled didnt quite get my dad's meaning..... My dad smiled and said : " I need to be able to show these stupid drivers n Jo'burg my middle finger " Holding the blue finger up in the air!
I love my dad so much. Seeing him get old and frail, is such a brick in my stomach not to mention my heart.
As he told me this story I remember other stories of how he would suprise people with his wit, sometimes, people might even miss it, because he does it with so much convincing....
He was stopped by a traffic cop once, for speeding.... The cop was filling in the form and at the question : "Occupation".. my dad responded... " I am a planner"... .the cop looked at him, like if to say.... huh?.... my dad continued by saying.... " I definitely didnt plan this!"
I love my dad so much, I would do anything to be able to make his suffering less. Reading up on Raynaud's disease and praying that he will have many comfortable years for me, my mom and the rest of my sisters!
Love you DAD!
Monday 22 August 2011
I dont wanna be PITIFUL!
Ever looked someone or some animal in the eye and felt that stinging pang of pity? It makes me feel sick to the stomach..... How can I stop imagining their pain?
Today I saw a man in the spar he was so dirty and thin, that he must be sleeping in the felt somewhere, he was rubbing a few coins together while having a 100ml bottle of milk in his hands, his pants were too short... most people stared at him in disgust, as if to accuse him of filling their space with his unwanted presence.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply..... waiting for the pang of pain to disappear in my chest. My basket felt heavy in my hands. I shook my head, I work hard for the little money that I do have and he didnt ask for anything, so how dare I pity him, would I want somebody to pity me, if I do not look like the general bloke??
On my way to work I stopped at a traffic light and infront of me the Roodepoort SPCA van drove past, an old dog was sitting in a cage, looking so unhappy and forlorn, wasnt even trying to look out and see what is going on outside the cage? "PANG" the pain in my chest again, I had to swallow very hard not to start crying right there and then. How long before he gets the "injection", he is definitely not a cute puppy anymore and definitely didnt seem like a robust watch dog?! I brought the image of my happy dachsies in my mind, how they stare at me and is with me and soak up the love I give them and they give me plenty in return... how happy they are if they get their "kossies" in the morning...... doesnt kill the pain.
I go visit my frail aunt, only bone and skin, she cant feed herself anymore, she has to wear nappies and the "lady", even through the dimentia and parkinsons, will NOT do a number two in her nappies. She had a bright moment during my short visit, to help with the pressure sore that formed on her ancle - she told me how one of these days she's going to walk the streets - I joked and said that we will have a carnaval down Kruger Avenue.... oh and she laughed (she cant even move herself in bed from one sore hip, to the other)......
I was thinking about all of this, I was thinking about the people who are in unhappy relationships, I was thinking about the hungry children, the rebels who are dying for their cause in Tripoli... I was thinking of the rhyno's that are being killed for only a small part of their big carcass.... I was thinking - I was thinking.....
.... and I realised, if you cant do something, do not pity. Rather send love, light and positive thoughts to those people. Would I want someone to cry harder than me, when I go through a tough time, or would l like to see a vision of hope and possibly a brighter future.... or even an end to suffering whatever that might mean.
I dont wanna be pitied... now to teach my heart to refrain from aching and feeling sorry, rather just do what I can and smile?! The sufferer might appreciate a smile?
*sigh*
Today I saw a man in the spar he was so dirty and thin, that he must be sleeping in the felt somewhere, he was rubbing a few coins together while having a 100ml bottle of milk in his hands, his pants were too short... most people stared at him in disgust, as if to accuse him of filling their space with his unwanted presence.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply..... waiting for the pang of pain to disappear in my chest. My basket felt heavy in my hands. I shook my head, I work hard for the little money that I do have and he didnt ask for anything, so how dare I pity him, would I want somebody to pity me, if I do not look like the general bloke??
On my way to work I stopped at a traffic light and infront of me the Roodepoort SPCA van drove past, an old dog was sitting in a cage, looking so unhappy and forlorn, wasnt even trying to look out and see what is going on outside the cage? "PANG" the pain in my chest again, I had to swallow very hard not to start crying right there and then. How long before he gets the "injection", he is definitely not a cute puppy anymore and definitely didnt seem like a robust watch dog?! I brought the image of my happy dachsies in my mind, how they stare at me and is with me and soak up the love I give them and they give me plenty in return... how happy they are if they get their "kossies" in the morning...... doesnt kill the pain.
I go visit my frail aunt, only bone and skin, she cant feed herself anymore, she has to wear nappies and the "lady", even through the dimentia and parkinsons, will NOT do a number two in her nappies. She had a bright moment during my short visit, to help with the pressure sore that formed on her ancle - she told me how one of these days she's going to walk the streets - I joked and said that we will have a carnaval down Kruger Avenue.... oh and she laughed (she cant even move herself in bed from one sore hip, to the other)......
I was thinking about all of this, I was thinking about the people who are in unhappy relationships, I was thinking about the hungry children, the rebels who are dying for their cause in Tripoli... I was thinking of the rhyno's that are being killed for only a small part of their big carcass.... I was thinking - I was thinking.....
.... and I realised, if you cant do something, do not pity. Rather send love, light and positive thoughts to those people. Would I want someone to cry harder than me, when I go through a tough time, or would l like to see a vision of hope and possibly a brighter future.... or even an end to suffering whatever that might mean.
I dont wanna be pitied... now to teach my heart to refrain from aching and feeling sorry, rather just do what I can and smile?! The sufferer might appreciate a smile?
*sigh*
Sunday 14 August 2011
He loves me... He loves me not... he loves me.... *sigh*
He loves me... He loves me not... he loves me..... *sigh*... round and round I go. I see that it is my 21st blog here, so I thought it fitting to right about probably the most important topic in every person's life.
We all have the want and need to love and be loved. Yes there are so many types of "love" - but is there really? I once had the opportunity for a school competition to speak on the facts of love - I was the lucky one who had to talk on the facts, the other 3 in the team, could speak about the emotions, which off course is way more interesting. (bit of useless info)
I can remember going down the list, mother love (probably the purest), platonic love.... etc. Today however I want to speak about romantic love. I believe every little girl dreams of being a princess in her life and that her price charming would find her and they would live happily ever after.
Do I still wish that - being 30 something, already on the downhill to 40? Off course, but does this person exist, how can this princess prepare for such a man? I dont wish to swallow a poisoned apple, neither do I want to sleep for a hundred years... however I believe that all the romantic experiences I've gone through - obviously still hasnt prepared me sufficiently for my prince or he is majorly lost or maybe waylayed or he never ever existed or life decided to take him early.....
Well, my blog today, is like Julio song's " To all the men I've loved before...... and in a way still do!" :-)
My next blog might be about the pain I had from most of these experiences but here is the good! (some names have been changed)
Brenton - My very first love and he loved me back. Wow! What an experience for a 15 year old, but I was 15, I wanted to play not really love and I hurt you, but thank you for seeing me!
Konnie - a teenager's impulse to ask an outsider girl to dance - the only dance for the evening, made me feel like a princess. We are still friends and he still calls me princess. Konnie I love you for that.
Man with the black beetle (Gerhard) - I wish I was more mature when I met you. You wanted support, a friend to love and cherish, you saw me and loved me between loads of beauties, you decided to get to know me and you did. You were patient with the wild child - busy with her first year at varsity and relishing my new freedom. I broke your heart, because I was a butterfly in the wind this time, I saw this and I wish I could find you to tell you how sorry I am for that.
PieterFR - My LOVE, my husband of 6 and a bit years. My best friend - I cant help but I am crying while I am writing this, you also met the wild child, but you decided I was worth hanging on to and you spoilt me, boy, did you spoil me. I was so safe with you - but somehow something went wrong. No blame in this blog (sometimes I feel most with me) - thank you for loving me, I know you loved me still, even though you remarried..... Life decided to take you 29 Aug 2007. My memories of us I am saving very very tenderly.
Tim - All or nothing love. You made me feel special again. The way you never answered the phone when in my company, the way you prepared a playlist to play when expecting me for dinner and then taking all that trouble to make me feel special. We were not meant to be either and you found love before life also took you away in 2008. I havent seen you in years, but even from the grave you made me feel special, you must have told your new wife about me, because she sent me invitation to your memorial service, never meeting me or knowing who I was, it must have been you. Thank you Tim.
Deacon - The boy - forever young (he is older than me). I just loved you - because you wanted to be in my life. You made me feel like a woman - hard to explain. Didnt get anything but attention from you, but thank you for that.
Nige - Geesh I needed you to find myself. You made me see life for what it really is - you helped me see myself for who I really am. You made me realise that no relationship with me was working, because I wasnt being me, I was trying to be who people wanted me to be. I thank you for time and energy, you were the one sitting in my kitchen while I was breaking down, just hearing of Pieter's death. You were the one who invited me into your family and arranged birthday parties for me at your house. I still feel we are very much connected, because when I feel low, you phone or sms me. Thank you for your time and energy, I believe we still love each other and always will, we just genuinely dont understand how the other sees the world. I actually know you going to read this and I can just hear you! WTF!!!! and I am smiling.
Divemaster - I experienced cloud 9 with you. I fell in love with you in a big way - thank you for noticing me at a time in my life, when that is the last thing I would expect. I needed to know that I was worth noticing - always taking me by the hand in public meant a lot to me. Thank you - will always love you for making me feel beautiful, when I couldnt see it myself anymore.
Old friend - This was a suprise and amazing that you have loved me for so long and that you only wished to get to know the real me. For all these years. I love you for who you are for what we have shared - as friends. I have to let you go, because you will never be mine.
As you can see I have been blessed with love and I am so-so thankful, but also sad, that life, situations, whatever could not allow me to keep any of these wonderful guys or make them stay. I am blessed with friends who love me and I know some of them are reading this and thinking that I miss the moon by counting the stars.
Do I still believe in love - my love, my only love. I dont know anymore......
*sigh* ... I want to... .I might be an old princess, with battle wounds, but I'd like to be someone's princess for ever after. ;-)
We all have the want and need to love and be loved. Yes there are so many types of "love" - but is there really? I once had the opportunity for a school competition to speak on the facts of love - I was the lucky one who had to talk on the facts, the other 3 in the team, could speak about the emotions, which off course is way more interesting. (bit of useless info)
I can remember going down the list, mother love (probably the purest), platonic love.... etc. Today however I want to speak about romantic love. I believe every little girl dreams of being a princess in her life and that her price charming would find her and they would live happily ever after.
Do I still wish that - being 30 something, already on the downhill to 40? Off course, but does this person exist, how can this princess prepare for such a man? I dont wish to swallow a poisoned apple, neither do I want to sleep for a hundred years... however I believe that all the romantic experiences I've gone through - obviously still hasnt prepared me sufficiently for my prince or he is majorly lost or maybe waylayed or he never ever existed or life decided to take him early.....
Well, my blog today, is like Julio song's " To all the men I've loved before...... and in a way still do!" :-)
My next blog might be about the pain I had from most of these experiences but here is the good! (some names have been changed)
Brenton - My very first love and he loved me back. Wow! What an experience for a 15 year old, but I was 15, I wanted to play not really love and I hurt you, but thank you for seeing me!
Konnie - a teenager's impulse to ask an outsider girl to dance - the only dance for the evening, made me feel like a princess. We are still friends and he still calls me princess. Konnie I love you for that.
Man with the black beetle (Gerhard) - I wish I was more mature when I met you. You wanted support, a friend to love and cherish, you saw me and loved me between loads of beauties, you decided to get to know me and you did. You were patient with the wild child - busy with her first year at varsity and relishing my new freedom. I broke your heart, because I was a butterfly in the wind this time, I saw this and I wish I could find you to tell you how sorry I am for that.
PieterFR - My LOVE, my husband of 6 and a bit years. My best friend - I cant help but I am crying while I am writing this, you also met the wild child, but you decided I was worth hanging on to and you spoilt me, boy, did you spoil me. I was so safe with you - but somehow something went wrong. No blame in this blog (sometimes I feel most with me) - thank you for loving me, I know you loved me still, even though you remarried..... Life decided to take you 29 Aug 2007. My memories of us I am saving very very tenderly.
Tim - All or nothing love. You made me feel special again. The way you never answered the phone when in my company, the way you prepared a playlist to play when expecting me for dinner and then taking all that trouble to make me feel special. We were not meant to be either and you found love before life also took you away in 2008. I havent seen you in years, but even from the grave you made me feel special, you must have told your new wife about me, because she sent me invitation to your memorial service, never meeting me or knowing who I was, it must have been you. Thank you Tim.
Deacon - The boy - forever young (he is older than me). I just loved you - because you wanted to be in my life. You made me feel like a woman - hard to explain. Didnt get anything but attention from you, but thank you for that.
Nige - Geesh I needed you to find myself. You made me see life for what it really is - you helped me see myself for who I really am. You made me realise that no relationship with me was working, because I wasnt being me, I was trying to be who people wanted me to be. I thank you for time and energy, you were the one sitting in my kitchen while I was breaking down, just hearing of Pieter's death. You were the one who invited me into your family and arranged birthday parties for me at your house. I still feel we are very much connected, because when I feel low, you phone or sms me. Thank you for your time and energy, I believe we still love each other and always will, we just genuinely dont understand how the other sees the world. I actually know you going to read this and I can just hear you! WTF!!!! and I am smiling.
Divemaster - I experienced cloud 9 with you. I fell in love with you in a big way - thank you for noticing me at a time in my life, when that is the last thing I would expect. I needed to know that I was worth noticing - always taking me by the hand in public meant a lot to me. Thank you - will always love you for making me feel beautiful, when I couldnt see it myself anymore.
Old friend - This was a suprise and amazing that you have loved me for so long and that you only wished to get to know the real me. For all these years. I love you for who you are for what we have shared - as friends. I have to let you go, because you will never be mine.
As you can see I have been blessed with love and I am so-so thankful, but also sad, that life, situations, whatever could not allow me to keep any of these wonderful guys or make them stay. I am blessed with friends who love me and I know some of them are reading this and thinking that I miss the moon by counting the stars.
Do I still believe in love - my love, my only love. I dont know anymore......
*sigh* ... I want to... .I might be an old princess, with battle wounds, but I'd like to be someone's princess for ever after. ;-)
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Spare wheel .......
Today I felt like a spare wheel, like I dont belong. We move around in areas and situations that we know, that we can predict. I had a project that went wrong in an area where I was the only white face to be seen for hours. I am not afraid of my fellow South Africans, I have not had a racist hair on my head for years. Still having people react to you, like you dont belong, made me feel like maybe I dont.... :-(
I knew I had a purpose and I was adamant on succeeding, I never once felt like I was in danger, I just felt out of place.... People tried to be kind, by trying to speak to me in Afrikaans, South Africans definitely still have some sense of the rainbow nation. I just wish one didnt feel like the outsider, the spare wheel....
I know to get rid of this feeling, one needs to move around more in spaces, where you are the spare wheel or the stranger. Life's pressures just sometimes cause that we try and avoid just that. Keep to the known, the safe, the "RUT"??
Oh, well, to grow you need to move out of your comfort zone.... I hope I can?!
I knew I had a purpose and I was adamant on succeeding, I never once felt like I was in danger, I just felt out of place.... People tried to be kind, by trying to speak to me in Afrikaans, South Africans definitely still have some sense of the rainbow nation. I just wish one didnt feel like the outsider, the spare wheel....
I know to get rid of this feeling, one needs to move around more in spaces, where you are the spare wheel or the stranger. Life's pressures just sometimes cause that we try and avoid just that. Keep to the known, the safe, the "RUT"??
Oh, well, to grow you need to move out of your comfort zone.... I hope I can?!
Monday 8 August 2011
25 Ways to deal with betrayal.........
In no particular order they are as follows:
Reflect: Spend time analysing and reflecting on the whole event and ask yourself if the relationship/friendship is worth salvaging. Once you’ve taken time to reflect on the issue, you may proceed with a cautious confrontation. Confront the issues that led to the betrayal. It’s important you have all the correct information/facts before any confrontation and when you decide to take that step ensure you are clear, direct and exercise a bit of restraint on your temper.
Take things easy: Don’t be so hard on yourself because you were betrayed. There is always a tendency for you accept unnecessary blame for the turnout of events or resort to harmful practices as a means to alleviate the hurt. Cut yourself some slack and be encouraged by things that give you meaning.
Let go: Let go of your emotions constructively. Cry if it will make you feel better, take long walks. Don’t be embarrassed at it. Whatever you do, make sure it’s constructive and makes you feel better after all you are the one that’s been BETRAYED!!!
Build Courage: It’s a difficult and painful experience but you’ve got to sum up the courage and acknowledge betrayal is a part of life. If managed properly it equips you with a better understanding for future relationships with friends, family, colleagues…….
Integrity: Show some dignity in dealing with a betrayal. Be a man or woman of few words and manage the whole situation with your integrity intact.
Reconcile: Keep an open heart and mind to reconciliation. It’s difficult, but learn to forgive and move on.
Set Goals: Be determined to come out of the whole experience of betrayal stronger with new ideals, thought patterns and character.
Get Inspired: Be inspired/empowered by listening to, reading and watching positive media that will contribute to uplifting your spirits which results in strengthening your emotions while going through the betrayal.
Build Your Self Confidence: Look for constructive ways to rebuild your personality, self confidence and esteem.
Think Constructively: Think carefully and constructively on your future actions in old and new relationships. Do you want to give it one more chance, take a break or walk away from it completely?
Face Your Fears: Face your fears by taking risks, building positive relationships, discussing or sharing them with friends, family…..
Network: Avoid being alone through the period of betrayal. Spend a lot of time with other friends, family, colleagues….. They could serve as listening ears and provide all sorts of encouragement.
Optimism: Show a bit of optimism in everything you do, it helps in putting the past behind you and gives you a positive approach to dealing with betrayal.
Hold Back On Revenge: I’m not sure if revenge is worth your time. It’s a display of maturity if you do not resort to the same tactics used or different game plans to hurt anyone.
Personal Development: Focus on your personal growth, appearance and development.
No Self Harm Please: Avoid all forms of self harm. Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs as a quick route to escape from the hurt or drown your sorrows. The pain will still be there in the morning along with a hangover!
Self Denial: Be secured in who, what and whom you are. Learn to deal with all your insecurities. Stop living in self denial and feeling sorry for yourself. Experiencing a betrayal is tough but think constructively and create a positive attitude around you. Work on building trustworthy relationships with other people. You must know what you want from a new relationship or friendship.
Use Your Intuition: Start paying more attention to your feelings, thoughts and intuition keeping your eyes open, heart protected slightly and head in place. Please note: This shouldn’t make you overbearingly suspicious of anybody, event or circumstance.
Stay Active: Be active. Research shows that there is a close relationship between your physical and mental health so try exercising, go dancing (Salsa), take a walk, start a hobby……….
Love Again: The toughest lesson is learning to love/trust again. It’s difficult but you’ve got to remember not everyone is going to act like your ex, friend, colleague, spouse….
Think Of The Future: Let your thoughts of the future be inspiring, memorable, motivating and encouraging.
Stop Worrying: Worry less and develop a new focus. It reduces your anxiety levels and prevents you from constantly making all kinds of unnecessary assumptions.
Celebrate Your Progress: You’ve been betrayed, so what!!!! Be happy with any progress or changes you make in any sphere of your life using it as a springboard to developing new friendships or relationships.
Patience: Exercise a lot of patience when experiencing a betrayal. It allows you handle various situations with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists.
Seek Professional Help: Where/When necessary, seek the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, social worker, GP…..
Reflect: Spend time analysing and reflecting on the whole event and ask yourself if the relationship/friendship is worth salvaging. Once you’ve taken time to reflect on the issue, you may proceed with a cautious confrontation. Confront the issues that led to the betrayal. It’s important you have all the correct information/facts before any confrontation and when you decide to take that step ensure you are clear, direct and exercise a bit of restraint on your temper.
Take things easy: Don’t be so hard on yourself because you were betrayed. There is always a tendency for you accept unnecessary blame for the turnout of events or resort to harmful practices as a means to alleviate the hurt. Cut yourself some slack and be encouraged by things that give you meaning.
Let go: Let go of your emotions constructively. Cry if it will make you feel better, take long walks. Don’t be embarrassed at it. Whatever you do, make sure it’s constructive and makes you feel better after all you are the one that’s been BETRAYED!!!
Build Courage: It’s a difficult and painful experience but you’ve got to sum up the courage and acknowledge betrayal is a part of life. If managed properly it equips you with a better understanding for future relationships with friends, family, colleagues…….
Integrity: Show some dignity in dealing with a betrayal. Be a man or woman of few words and manage the whole situation with your integrity intact.
Reconcile: Keep an open heart and mind to reconciliation. It’s difficult, but learn to forgive and move on.
Set Goals: Be determined to come out of the whole experience of betrayal stronger with new ideals, thought patterns and character.
Get Inspired: Be inspired/empowered by listening to, reading and watching positive media that will contribute to uplifting your spirits which results in strengthening your emotions while going through the betrayal.
Build Your Self Confidence: Look for constructive ways to rebuild your personality, self confidence and esteem.
Think Constructively: Think carefully and constructively on your future actions in old and new relationships. Do you want to give it one more chance, take a break or walk away from it completely?
Face Your Fears: Face your fears by taking risks, building positive relationships, discussing or sharing them with friends, family…..
Network: Avoid being alone through the period of betrayal. Spend a lot of time with other friends, family, colleagues….. They could serve as listening ears and provide all sorts of encouragement.
Optimism: Show a bit of optimism in everything you do, it helps in putting the past behind you and gives you a positive approach to dealing with betrayal.
Hold Back On Revenge: I’m not sure if revenge is worth your time. It’s a display of maturity if you do not resort to the same tactics used or different game plans to hurt anyone.
Personal Development: Focus on your personal growth, appearance and development.
No Self Harm Please: Avoid all forms of self harm. Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs as a quick route to escape from the hurt or drown your sorrows. The pain will still be there in the morning along with a hangover!
Self Denial: Be secured in who, what and whom you are. Learn to deal with all your insecurities. Stop living in self denial and feeling sorry for yourself. Experiencing a betrayal is tough but think constructively and create a positive attitude around you. Work on building trustworthy relationships with other people. You must know what you want from a new relationship or friendship.
Use Your Intuition: Start paying more attention to your feelings, thoughts and intuition keeping your eyes open, heart protected slightly and head in place. Please note: This shouldn’t make you overbearingly suspicious of anybody, event or circumstance.
Stay Active: Be active. Research shows that there is a close relationship between your physical and mental health so try exercising, go dancing (Salsa), take a walk, start a hobby……….
Love Again: The toughest lesson is learning to love/trust again. It’s difficult but you’ve got to remember not everyone is going to act like your ex, friend, colleague, spouse….
Think Of The Future: Let your thoughts of the future be inspiring, memorable, motivating and encouraging.
Stop Worrying: Worry less and develop a new focus. It reduces your anxiety levels and prevents you from constantly making all kinds of unnecessary assumptions.
Celebrate Your Progress: You’ve been betrayed, so what!!!! Be happy with any progress or changes you make in any sphere of your life using it as a springboard to developing new friendships or relationships.
Patience: Exercise a lot of patience when experiencing a betrayal. It allows you handle various situations with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists.
Seek Professional Help: Where/When necessary, seek the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, social worker, GP…..
Spiritual Meaning underlying diseases
According to Louise Hay's book, healing yourself, there are spiritual meaning that causes specific diseases. I've just been diagnosed with chronic hypertension, this means high blood pressure. I've been trying to ignore it for months now, thinking it will go away, but alas, it is just getting worse.
For interests sake I went to see what kind of spiritual meaning could have caused this chronic disease, according to Louise Hay, well what I found is that long standing emotional problems that are unsolved might have caused this and that the affirmation one should concentrate to heal yourself would be: " I joyously release the past. I am at peace."
Looking at this, it might pretty much be true, I have many unresolved emotions, I am carrying insde of me, not really knowing how to resolve them. Finding peace seems to be the answer, I am not at WAR with anybody, or am I. I love to describe the acronym WAR as We Are Right? Somebody forcing an issue, viewpoint or agenda on another party, that must obviously then be ?? Wrong???..... hmmmmm ....
Sitting here wondering which emotions I am clinging to as being right, but still affecting my happiness and emotions. Somehow the word that jumps up at me tonight is BETRAYAL... I feel betrayed by loved one's, friends, family and mostly by myself. I feel unsafe with my decision making and I feel like I should forever be ready to be able to deal with "the other shoe dropping"or the "wheels falling off" - using my blog analogy.
How does one feel less betrayed....?? Maybe research worth doing? How does one loose the fear of the next betrayal, that seems to be a given? Something worth thinking about and stomping to dust, till I find a solid opinion worth sharing......
For interests sake I went to see what kind of spiritual meaning could have caused this chronic disease, according to Louise Hay, well what I found is that long standing emotional problems that are unsolved might have caused this and that the affirmation one should concentrate to heal yourself would be: " I joyously release the past. I am at peace."
Looking at this, it might pretty much be true, I have many unresolved emotions, I am carrying insde of me, not really knowing how to resolve them. Finding peace seems to be the answer, I am not at WAR with anybody, or am I. I love to describe the acronym WAR as We Are Right? Somebody forcing an issue, viewpoint or agenda on another party, that must obviously then be ?? Wrong???..... hmmmmm ....
Sitting here wondering which emotions I am clinging to as being right, but still affecting my happiness and emotions. Somehow the word that jumps up at me tonight is BETRAYAL... I feel betrayed by loved one's, friends, family and mostly by myself. I feel unsafe with my decision making and I feel like I should forever be ready to be able to deal with "the other shoe dropping"or the "wheels falling off" - using my blog analogy.
How does one feel less betrayed....?? Maybe research worth doing? How does one loose the fear of the next betrayal, that seems to be a given? Something worth thinking about and stomping to dust, till I find a solid opinion worth sharing......
Friday 5 August 2011
Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer true?......
Daisy, Daisy, give you your answer true
I'm half crazy all for the love of you!......
From wikepedia
Daisy Louisa C. De Melker (1 June 1886 - 30 December 1932), (née Hancorn-Smith) simply known as Daisy de Melker, was a trained nurse[1] who poisoned two husbands with strychnine for their life insurance while living in Germiston in the central Transvaal (now Gauteng), and then poisoned her only son with arsenic for reasons which are still unclear. She is historically the second woman to have been hanged in South Africa.
Something made me think of Daisy this morning. Some people struggle to find partners, some love them and leave them.... and then some like Daisy dispose of them......
How is it possible to dispose of somebody - it is difficult enough to break ties and avoid somebody that was close to you, what about dispose. I mean even her son?! Which was the only murder she was convicted for by the way.
How do you find compassion and get into somebody's head, who contemplates and plans disposing of her dearest and her being a nurse and all? Being a nurse myself taking medicine and administration thereof so seriously, it is really such a "cold" thing to do.
I've met a guy, actually in the prison visiting room, who was sitting for life, because he caught his wife and another woman in bed, he shot both, killing the other woman, just wounding his now exwife? Would that me a crime of passion? A "warm" crime, opposite to the cold of Daisy? He seemed like any other person, maybe a bit "needy" for company and humility being his middle name.
How do you take someone's life? The Bible says all sin is sin.... but still taking a life? *sigh*... I wonder ...... WAR - killing somebody you dont know, for a cause?.... too many thoughts...
Actually just want to say ... my mom asked one of my older sisters : " Can you close anything that you've opened?"... she said "Yes, of course, thinking of doors, windows etc."... .My mom kept quite and when they got home, she asked my sister make her some eggs on a sandwich for lunch. She proceeded to crack the shell.... My mom then said, "Wait, I've changed my mind, close it again!"...... The lesson was learnt.
that is how I feel about killing.......making the decision of dying... not even mentioning the ultimate murder suicide! :-(
I'm half crazy all for the love of you!......
From wikepedia
Daisy Louisa C. De Melker (1 June 1886 - 30 December 1932), (née Hancorn-Smith) simply known as Daisy de Melker, was a trained nurse[1] who poisoned two husbands with strychnine for their life insurance while living in Germiston in the central Transvaal (now Gauteng), and then poisoned her only son with arsenic for reasons which are still unclear. She is historically the second woman to have been hanged in South Africa.
Something made me think of Daisy this morning. Some people struggle to find partners, some love them and leave them.... and then some like Daisy dispose of them......
How is it possible to dispose of somebody - it is difficult enough to break ties and avoid somebody that was close to you, what about dispose. I mean even her son?! Which was the only murder she was convicted for by the way.
How do you find compassion and get into somebody's head, who contemplates and plans disposing of her dearest and her being a nurse and all? Being a nurse myself taking medicine and administration thereof so seriously, it is really such a "cold" thing to do.
I've met a guy, actually in the prison visiting room, who was sitting for life, because he caught his wife and another woman in bed, he shot both, killing the other woman, just wounding his now exwife? Would that me a crime of passion? A "warm" crime, opposite to the cold of Daisy? He seemed like any other person, maybe a bit "needy" for company and humility being his middle name.
How do you take someone's life? The Bible says all sin is sin.... but still taking a life? *sigh*... I wonder ...... WAR - killing somebody you dont know, for a cause?.... too many thoughts...
Actually just want to say ... my mom asked one of my older sisters : " Can you close anything that you've opened?"... she said "Yes, of course, thinking of doors, windows etc."... .My mom kept quite and when they got home, she asked my sister make her some eggs on a sandwich for lunch. She proceeded to crack the shell.... My mom then said, "Wait, I've changed my mind, close it again!"...... The lesson was learnt.
that is how I feel about killing.......making the decision of dying... not even mentioning the ultimate murder suicide! :-(
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Forbidden Fruit......
As from the days of the garden of Eden the forbidden fruit had been the problem. Adam and Eve got thrown from the garden and had to fend for themselves from then. What was said.... they got the ability to distinguish good from bad and thus had to live their lives constantly making choices between these things. They felt naked and for the first time they were embarassed and made clothes......
Hmmmmmmmm........... all in all do we blame the snake, the woman or the forbidden fruit for loosing innocense?
Innocense are so beautiful still most people constantly seek to find so called "wisdom".. I am just wondering whether there can be innocense in wisdom.... actually more accurately.... is there innocense in compassion?
To truely understand - one would have to have had a very close encounter to a very similar situation - thus doesnt that take your innocense away in regards to that situation. I am not talking about naivity, I am talking about true innocense.... not knowing even of the existance of that forbidden fruit. Not even dreaming of tasting, or experiencing or resisting.
Sometimes I feel a bit soiled by my chosen profession. Very young we were sat down and told about the suffering, the "dirty", the "crazy", the total unfairness of being a patient of whatever nature, surgical, psychiatric, neurologic, oncology.... whatever. Death.... the fact that people die are experienced at a time in our lives, when some other students are wondering what to do with their upcoming holidays. Holidays just meant more hours in the hospital, because we dont need to be in class.
When people hear that I am a nurse, then most would be quite comfortable to share intimate details about their lives, about their health about their families. Sometimes I feel like saying "TOO MUCH INFORMATION".... but I dont because obviously there is a need to discuss these things. I know I should not compare, but when I listen to for example the radio shows. Where people go all hysterical about bodily habits of "some" people... I wonder....
Wait I am digressing, I am talking about forbidden fruit. My point I wanted to make is - it feels like the more you are exposed to understanding humanity and of the feet of clay of most people, one gets a very forgiving nature on the one side... but on the flip side, one also starts to justify actions or not?
Social conditioning has taught me forbidden fruit is a bad thing to be avoided. I know there is limits to everything and it is no use to pretend that our parents were maybe mistaken.... in some instances.... ????
I am struggling a bit with what is right and what is wrong in my mind, I know LOVE and ultimately, I try to act lovingly.... but can one act lovingly towards everybody in every single situation.
The nature of who I am has caused me to taste, or at least smell forbidden fruit daily..... :-(.... am I growing in wisdom or am I slowly poisoning myself from the inside?
I have established that the wheels of life turns and what comes around goes around. Actually I dont want to know or care anymore... I just want to be wise in my innocense of not knowing ..... forget .... about the fruit in the middle of the garden.
Or do I?
*sigh*
Hmmmmmmmm........... all in all do we blame the snake, the woman or the forbidden fruit for loosing innocense?
Innocense are so beautiful still most people constantly seek to find so called "wisdom".. I am just wondering whether there can be innocense in wisdom.... actually more accurately.... is there innocense in compassion?
To truely understand - one would have to have had a very close encounter to a very similar situation - thus doesnt that take your innocense away in regards to that situation. I am not talking about naivity, I am talking about true innocense.... not knowing even of the existance of that forbidden fruit. Not even dreaming of tasting, or experiencing or resisting.
Sometimes I feel a bit soiled by my chosen profession. Very young we were sat down and told about the suffering, the "dirty", the "crazy", the total unfairness of being a patient of whatever nature, surgical, psychiatric, neurologic, oncology.... whatever. Death.... the fact that people die are experienced at a time in our lives, when some other students are wondering what to do with their upcoming holidays. Holidays just meant more hours in the hospital, because we dont need to be in class.
When people hear that I am a nurse, then most would be quite comfortable to share intimate details about their lives, about their health about their families. Sometimes I feel like saying "TOO MUCH INFORMATION".... but I dont because obviously there is a need to discuss these things. I know I should not compare, but when I listen to for example the radio shows. Where people go all hysterical about bodily habits of "some" people... I wonder....
Wait I am digressing, I am talking about forbidden fruit. My point I wanted to make is - it feels like the more you are exposed to understanding humanity and of the feet of clay of most people, one gets a very forgiving nature on the one side... but on the flip side, one also starts to justify actions or not?
Social conditioning has taught me forbidden fruit is a bad thing to be avoided. I know there is limits to everything and it is no use to pretend that our parents were maybe mistaken.... in some instances.... ????
I am struggling a bit with what is right and what is wrong in my mind, I know LOVE and ultimately, I try to act lovingly.... but can one act lovingly towards everybody in every single situation.
The nature of who I am has caused me to taste, or at least smell forbidden fruit daily..... :-(.... am I growing in wisdom or am I slowly poisoning myself from the inside?
I have established that the wheels of life turns and what comes around goes around. Actually I dont want to know or care anymore... I just want to be wise in my innocense of not knowing ..... forget .... about the fruit in the middle of the garden.
Or do I?
*sigh*
Tuesday 2 August 2011
"POP" goes the weasel.....
I can do nothing but giggle. One is so proud if you manage to control your emotions and stay cool, calm and collected in the face of challenges.... uhmmmmm ....... Pressure tends to take its toll and "POP" went this weasel...
I am all giggly about it like a little girl, but also a bit disappointed that my calm mask evaporated into at first animated suprise at the response I was getting, then quick contemplation on how am I suppose to react, which is interupted with "POP".... the unexpected counter reaction.
The adrenaline is pumping a bit so there is no guilt, no tears... nothing... actually I feel like a justified weasel.
People dont expect hefty counter reactions from me for some reason, which adds to the efficiency of the "POP"... People are so suprised, they most of the times "forget" to counter act, or the counter reaction is a bit deflated.
Well this weasel is not managing emotions today..... who wants to live through a "POP"!!??
I am all giggly about it like a little girl, but also a bit disappointed that my calm mask evaporated into at first animated suprise at the response I was getting, then quick contemplation on how am I suppose to react, which is interupted with "POP".... the unexpected counter reaction.
The adrenaline is pumping a bit so there is no guilt, no tears... nothing... actually I feel like a justified weasel.
People dont expect hefty counter reactions from me for some reason, which adds to the efficiency of the "POP"... People are so suprised, they most of the times "forget" to counter act, or the counter reaction is a bit deflated.
Well this weasel is not managing emotions today..... who wants to live through a "POP"!!??
Friday 29 July 2011
Livin la vida loca.....
The crazy life?! lol!
Somehow I think this is maybe not such a bad thing. I am not the world's wildest person, but I have a definite adventurous streak... maybe a lot more so than most other people. I dont want to live the crazy life so that other people would think me cool.... but I think the crazy life follow me, whether I wanna live la vida loca or not?
Maybe that is why I keep on having these issues that people find I threaten their relationships, that I seem to have too many seasonal friends, that enjoy the moment with me, but not the hard times... lol? No problem, I get it, I dont do things exactly the way social life dictates. I am very well adapted to civilisation - I think? ;-) I think being alone for a long time and doing my own thing, has made me a person who does things because I want to and not because I need to... or circumstances force me too....
Doesnt that make me a more reliable person, a person that is more real and true. I spend time with whomever I want to, I keep track of those I want to.... I do a job because I want to, even though I do complain a lot of times and the stress does give me high blood pressure... but I do thrive on the challenges.
I dont need to explain. I dont need to know. I am a person.... a little girl inside, who also wants to be a princess in her own life..... but a woman who wants to be respected and taken seriously.... and a friend, who you can take anyware without having to feel you need to babysit and keep me company the whole time.
If you want to be part of my life ..... you will. If you want to spend time with me.... you will. I am livin la vida loca, but I have a kind heart and it is safe to be with me and be my friend - because I do see you and when I am with you... it is because I want to be.
I do stupid things and I keep on hurting people who really care and would like to protect me from doing stupid things and being hurt. I am just me and I wont change, if you care you would accept me "livin la vida loca".... but living my life!
BTW.. I dont always answer the voices I hear...... :-p
Somehow I think this is maybe not such a bad thing. I am not the world's wildest person, but I have a definite adventurous streak... maybe a lot more so than most other people. I dont want to live the crazy life so that other people would think me cool.... but I think the crazy life follow me, whether I wanna live la vida loca or not?
Maybe that is why I keep on having these issues that people find I threaten their relationships, that I seem to have too many seasonal friends, that enjoy the moment with me, but not the hard times... lol? No problem, I get it, I dont do things exactly the way social life dictates. I am very well adapted to civilisation - I think? ;-) I think being alone for a long time and doing my own thing, has made me a person who does things because I want to and not because I need to... or circumstances force me too....
Doesnt that make me a more reliable person, a person that is more real and true. I spend time with whomever I want to, I keep track of those I want to.... I do a job because I want to, even though I do complain a lot of times and the stress does give me high blood pressure... but I do thrive on the challenges.
I dont need to explain. I dont need to know. I am a person.... a little girl inside, who also wants to be a princess in her own life..... but a woman who wants to be respected and taken seriously.... and a friend, who you can take anyware without having to feel you need to babysit and keep me company the whole time.
If you want to be part of my life ..... you will. If you want to spend time with me.... you will. I am livin la vida loca, but I have a kind heart and it is safe to be with me and be my friend - because I do see you and when I am with you... it is because I want to be.
I do stupid things and I keep on hurting people who really care and would like to protect me from doing stupid things and being hurt. I am just me and I wont change, if you care you would accept me "livin la vida loca".... but living my life!
BTW.. I dont always answer the voices I hear...... :-p
Tuesday 26 July 2011
We all owe one..... :-)
I drove to work this morning and next to the road was a body covered with a body bag, I could see the hands of a male hanging limply at the sides. Barely an hour ago he was planning to run across the street to get to work or wherever he was going.
An incident like this barely touches my life, but I dont know whether I am just getting older, but there are more and more people around me that are dying of unexpected causes at unexpected ages. My sister was at a funerial memorial on Sunday of a 21 year old, who swam in the sea with a group of school children on a church camp, he was caught in a whirlpool or something and he is gone, found week and a half later.... There is an email going around about this young Pretoria student who just disappeared. These accidents and crime is scary enough.
I have young friends who are telling me about mild strokes, kidney failure and sudden bouts of hypertension. I have been struggling with hypertensive headaches myself the last year, fooling myself that I am watching it? A phonecall from a friend, about another friend who was packing to move to Jo'burg, he was alone, he had a heartattack at 39 and he is gone. The month before he told me he quit his job because the stress is going to kill him.
Most of us are working to make ends meet, we know that our work is 80% of our lives, but we live for weekends and the times that we can have some sanity, if the worry about tomorrow isn't going to drive us mad.
Bottom line, life just feels short to me today. It feels like we really are frail creatures, who needs some pampering. We need positivity and love, we need laughter, we need support.... We should learn compassion and we should try and be tolerant to those we just dont understand.
I am sure the end of this life, is not the absolute end, but somehow we are here living and breathing for a reason. I'd hate not to experience life to its fullest, if only I could stress less about the things I can do nothing about.....
An incident like this barely touches my life, but I dont know whether I am just getting older, but there are more and more people around me that are dying of unexpected causes at unexpected ages. My sister was at a funerial memorial on Sunday of a 21 year old, who swam in the sea with a group of school children on a church camp, he was caught in a whirlpool or something and he is gone, found week and a half later.... There is an email going around about this young Pretoria student who just disappeared. These accidents and crime is scary enough.
I have young friends who are telling me about mild strokes, kidney failure and sudden bouts of hypertension. I have been struggling with hypertensive headaches myself the last year, fooling myself that I am watching it? A phonecall from a friend, about another friend who was packing to move to Jo'burg, he was alone, he had a heartattack at 39 and he is gone. The month before he told me he quit his job because the stress is going to kill him.
Most of us are working to make ends meet, we know that our work is 80% of our lives, but we live for weekends and the times that we can have some sanity, if the worry about tomorrow isn't going to drive us mad.
Bottom line, life just feels short to me today. It feels like we really are frail creatures, who needs some pampering. We need positivity and love, we need laughter, we need support.... We should learn compassion and we should try and be tolerant to those we just dont understand.
I am sure the end of this life, is not the absolute end, but somehow we are here living and breathing for a reason. I'd hate not to experience life to its fullest, if only I could stress less about the things I can do nothing about.....
Thursday 21 July 2011
Get on with it. :-)
"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they want, and if they cant find them..... make them" George Bernard Shaw.
Feeling a bit short on motivation, I know there is so much to experience and accomplish, but all I want to do is go and hide in my little safe place for a while longer. Work has been tough the last few days, working until late at night, using my brain matter and concentration to the 'n'th degree.
Life has been kind to me, most people dont have a problem with me and thus I've had "things" relatively easy in life. I never considered that there might be a time, when I'd find people that would actually really be avoiding me.... lol... a strange thought that somehow doesnt gel nicely with my idea of me.
I've always felt, that no matter what disappointments I have in other areas of my life, I always have my job. I can work and I am good at what I do, I work hard and I try to really add value. Reflecting on me and my workspace at the moment, I am disappointed, I cant go home and know that everything is smooth sailing because I planned properly etc. Yes, I am managing, but things are just a bit much, I am caught believing lies, which is placing myself and people around me at such high risk and I feel sick to the stomach.
Why? I have been sued by a patient before, the incident I was sued for happened the 4th of Nov 1998. I can remember dates, times events, everything of this whole ordeal. Yeah, the case was eventually thrown out of court, but fact is that for 3 years of my life a patient tried - through our SA legal system, to prove that I am unprofessional. I cant deal with things like that again, I realise sitting here that this experience has left me more scarred than I realise, almost to the point of immobilisation, staring at the incident report before me. Yes, I am not the nurse who is to blame for the incident, but I am the nursing manager, that should have given the guidance and direction required. :-(
I can sit here and say, it is not my fault. I cant be everywhere and do everything? Somehow I just dont find it a healing thought. I am so really tired and fed-up of trying and trying and not accomplishing much - either way!
I need to focus on something good on something wholesome and positive. I'll find it and I am going to make it my mission to find something exciting and positive to write about. :-)....
OK, I am almost able to go home, I wont go lock myself up tonight... I will go out ....... even though I do not really ...... uhm... ok, maybe I'll stay home, let me think about that. :-)
Feeling a bit short on motivation, I know there is so much to experience and accomplish, but all I want to do is go and hide in my little safe place for a while longer. Work has been tough the last few days, working until late at night, using my brain matter and concentration to the 'n'th degree.
Life has been kind to me, most people dont have a problem with me and thus I've had "things" relatively easy in life. I never considered that there might be a time, when I'd find people that would actually really be avoiding me.... lol... a strange thought that somehow doesnt gel nicely with my idea of me.
I've always felt, that no matter what disappointments I have in other areas of my life, I always have my job. I can work and I am good at what I do, I work hard and I try to really add value. Reflecting on me and my workspace at the moment, I am disappointed, I cant go home and know that everything is smooth sailing because I planned properly etc. Yes, I am managing, but things are just a bit much, I am caught believing lies, which is placing myself and people around me at such high risk and I feel sick to the stomach.
Why? I have been sued by a patient before, the incident I was sued for happened the 4th of Nov 1998. I can remember dates, times events, everything of this whole ordeal. Yeah, the case was eventually thrown out of court, but fact is that for 3 years of my life a patient tried - through our SA legal system, to prove that I am unprofessional. I cant deal with things like that again, I realise sitting here that this experience has left me more scarred than I realise, almost to the point of immobilisation, staring at the incident report before me. Yes, I am not the nurse who is to blame for the incident, but I am the nursing manager, that should have given the guidance and direction required. :-(
I can sit here and say, it is not my fault. I cant be everywhere and do everything? Somehow I just dont find it a healing thought. I am so really tired and fed-up of trying and trying and not accomplishing much - either way!
I need to focus on something good on something wholesome and positive. I'll find it and I am going to make it my mission to find something exciting and positive to write about. :-)....
OK, I am almost able to go home, I wont go lock myself up tonight... I will go out ....... even though I do not really ...... uhm... ok, maybe I'll stay home, let me think about that. :-)
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Knowing me - knowing you .......
On a cold - cold winters morning a little bird was sitting in a field, shivering, minutes from freezing to death. The next moment a herd of cattle passed and as they passed a piece of cow dung fell on top of him. He couldnt believe how unlucky he could be, but while he was sitting there, contemplating his bad luck, he felt that he was warm and that he actually felt like singing... Which he off course did. A cat walked heard his little song and dug him up from amongst the dung and ate him up.
Moral of the story - when somebody causes shit in your life it is not necessarily a bad thing and when somebody gets you out of the shit, it is not necessarily a good thing!
Has it ever felt like you are selling your soul, your birth right, by taking help from somebody else? Why are people doing the things they do? Why am I doing the things I do?
People want to be judged on their intentions, but they judge others on their actions. What am I trying to say? People don't always intend to do a negative thing, but what do they actually do and do they actually realise what they are doing and how it affects the other people around them?
We all need to take a step back and really try and analyse why we are doing the things we do, what do we truely expect from others and what causes our disappointments. We tend to rasionalise our actions - finding "good" reasons, why we are doing or not doing certain things.
I believe that there has to be balance in everything - for every action a reaction. One cannot continue to take from others and never give anything in return and visa versa. Either of the scenarios wont have ideal results. Life will balance itself out eventually.
So what am I giving and what am I taking and from whom?
Like
Moral of the story - when somebody causes shit in your life it is not necessarily a bad thing and when somebody gets you out of the shit, it is not necessarily a good thing!
Has it ever felt like you are selling your soul, your birth right, by taking help from somebody else? Why are people doing the things they do? Why am I doing the things I do?
People want to be judged on their intentions, but they judge others on their actions. What am I trying to say? People don't always intend to do a negative thing, but what do they actually do and do they actually realise what they are doing and how it affects the other people around them?
We all need to take a step back and really try and analyse why we are doing the things we do, what do we truely expect from others and what causes our disappointments. We tend to rasionalise our actions - finding "good" reasons, why we are doing or not doing certain things.
I believe that there has to be balance in everything - for every action a reaction. One cannot continue to take from others and never give anything in return and visa versa. Either of the scenarios wont have ideal results. Life will balance itself out eventually.
So what am I giving and what am I taking and from whom?
Like
Sunday 17 July 2011
It means something - not everything....
One will probably never do something if it didn’t mean “something”. For example would you get up every morning to go to work, if it brought nothing to your life, even if it is just a salary at the end of the month?
Most people have heard the story about the professor and the glass container… just to refresh:
The professor asks his class whether a glass container full of rocks was full. It was filled to the brim so off course the class agreed that it was full. He then dropped smaller pebbles in between the rocks until once again the class smiling agreed it was full. He then gently sifted sand in between all the rocks and the pebbles and laughingly the class said, ok, now the container is full. But alas he then took a jug and poured some water into the container. The lesson he said was that the water is the lesser important things in your life, if you made that priority then you will not have space for any of the more important stuff like the rocks.
The rocks represent the important things, like family etc. Your pebbles: work, friends, hobbies etc. Sand: ….. think you get the picture.
I feel a bit confused at the moment. I am at a very ripe age, without my own family. I am not being invited to children’s niece’s and nephew’s parties and my exclaims on mother’s day “can’t buy you a present – your not a mother”. Suddenly all my priorities feels scewed. I’ve lost a whole lot supposed friends, because our priorities differ, they have children and families and I have me.
Friends say just up and leave go see the world! But my dogs, my job…. ???? those are things I take responsibility for and one of the larger pebbles in my container, if not a rock.
My parents they mean so much to me, but they have their own lives. An idea started sprouting in my mind last night. My mom say that I was definitely not planned. My sister born 3 years before me, had a complicated birth, which according to the doctor, left my mother infertile and actually with an injured uterus, he actually advised her to have a hysterectomy.
As I was indeed conceived 3 years later, my growth actually allowed the uterus to move back into position. My mom had normal birth. Why is my life leading me not to procreate, why in my life do I tend to want to be a problem solver, a healer…. Somebody who takes on guilt and responsibility too readily. I even ended up studying nursing, when I didn’t even understand or realize what the job entailed.
Why am I kicking against my fate, childless, partner less – alone. Isn’t it the ideal situation to really concentrate on being any kind of healer to whomever needs me and crosses my path and then letting them go to try and heal another? Why do I selfishly keep on wanting to find that something or someone that could mean everything to me?
I am kicking against who I should be and now I mean very little to a few, because I feel as if my life is short of meaning? Or am I giving up too soon on me? *sigh*
Friday 15 July 2011
Following your heart.....
If you find what I write a little disjointed, please excuse me, this is me today, overworked and a little crazy.... I am even hiding things from myself and quite successfully I can say! But here goes.....
Did you ever know, really know that something is going to happen, but logically it just doesnt make sense. Following your logic (naturally) - you then end up regretting not listening to that "gut feeling".
People have various explanations for this "feeling" - angels, guides, Holy Spirit..... what it is I wouldnt try and understand, it is one of those things should be accepted and not pondered on for too long, we will understand eventually - I believe.... ;-)
So many philophers say - "Follow your heart!".... but then you get the other school that say.. A heart is a treacherous thing, it could blind, think before you leap!!
I have been excited about something, but then I started analysing the outcomes and the reasons why I am so excited and I felt the excitement drain from me... and I think.... OK, maybe a good thing I thought about it? Was it really? A moment lost?! Forever!
Is impulsiveness a bad thing? Hmmmmmm...... social experience has built in cool off period after signing big contracts, to allow the buyer to cancel, after they had "thought" about the buy a little. I've actually used that handy option once in my life, to cancel a course in "playing the stock market".... :-)
Obviously one's gut feeling has a use, what you use it for .... well that I think depends on how well you know yourself and what you see as important. Boundaries! Yes, I think that is what makes impulsiveness safe, be impulsive between boundaries that you have "thought" about .....
Well, all of the above addresses the impulses, but what about the warnings. Those I'd like to say one should listen to 100% of the time. I've always been sorry that I didnt listen to that little voice inside saying, no, or not now later...... If I can develop a sharper sense towards this little voice, I would, because somehow I am sitting here and thinking if only I had listened..... ?
Well, here I go! It is Friday let me have fun with the next impulse on its way! ;-).... Yip, I do like following my heart..... even if the outcome hurts sometimes.
The answers I will find in me.... the experiences I will find OUT THERE! lol
Did you ever know, really know that something is going to happen, but logically it just doesnt make sense. Following your logic (naturally) - you then end up regretting not listening to that "gut feeling".
People have various explanations for this "feeling" - angels, guides, Holy Spirit..... what it is I wouldnt try and understand, it is one of those things should be accepted and not pondered on for too long, we will understand eventually - I believe.... ;-)
So many philophers say - "Follow your heart!".... but then you get the other school that say.. A heart is a treacherous thing, it could blind, think before you leap!!
I have been excited about something, but then I started analysing the outcomes and the reasons why I am so excited and I felt the excitement drain from me... and I think.... OK, maybe a good thing I thought about it? Was it really? A moment lost?! Forever!
Is impulsiveness a bad thing? Hmmmmmm...... social experience has built in cool off period after signing big contracts, to allow the buyer to cancel, after they had "thought" about the buy a little. I've actually used that handy option once in my life, to cancel a course in "playing the stock market".... :-)
Obviously one's gut feeling has a use, what you use it for .... well that I think depends on how well you know yourself and what you see as important. Boundaries! Yes, I think that is what makes impulsiveness safe, be impulsive between boundaries that you have "thought" about .....
Well, all of the above addresses the impulses, but what about the warnings. Those I'd like to say one should listen to 100% of the time. I've always been sorry that I didnt listen to that little voice inside saying, no, or not now later...... If I can develop a sharper sense towards this little voice, I would, because somehow I am sitting here and thinking if only I had listened..... ?
Well, here I go! It is Friday let me have fun with the next impulse on its way! ;-).... Yip, I do like following my heart..... even if the outcome hurts sometimes.
The answers I will find in me.... the experiences I will find OUT THERE! lol
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Money makes the wheels go round.....
Feeling the crunch... I think most of us can say... off course.
I know so many people who are really suffering through their finances. Yeah, ok, I also know people who have more than enough, but most people I know are feeling the punch.
People say dont wait till you have enough before you do things..... :-) I tried that and now I pay for things I have already done.... lol?
I am not materialistic, I do like my comforts however - with comforts I mean my independence, the ability to buy my dogs soft pedigree foodbags for every day. I am not unhappy because I dont have a big fancy house and a big fancy car, I just want to be safe.... although it would have been fun to have a motorbike.... To have a big screen TV, a different pair of shoes for every day.... ;-) All the beautiful underwear I can dream of.....
Although I think if I had money I'd spend it on experiences, going scuba diving, going on another adventure to who knows where? or Doing another course.... hehehehehehe..... learning another skill... I'd love to learn formal ball room dancing... Rhythm and dancing is in my blood.....
hmmmmmm..... still tomorrow comes... so does money make the wheel go round... or does it just add to the journey... in sorrow and fun!
Agh Whatever.....
I know so many people who are really suffering through their finances. Yeah, ok, I also know people who have more than enough, but most people I know are feeling the punch.
People say dont wait till you have enough before you do things..... :-) I tried that and now I pay for things I have already done.... lol?
I am not materialistic, I do like my comforts however - with comforts I mean my independence, the ability to buy my dogs soft pedigree foodbags for every day. I am not unhappy because I dont have a big fancy house and a big fancy car, I just want to be safe.... although it would have been fun to have a motorbike.... To have a big screen TV, a different pair of shoes for every day.... ;-) All the beautiful underwear I can dream of.....
Although I think if I had money I'd spend it on experiences, going scuba diving, going on another adventure to who knows where? or Doing another course.... hehehehehehe..... learning another skill... I'd love to learn formal ball room dancing... Rhythm and dancing is in my blood.....
hmmmmmm..... still tomorrow comes... so does money make the wheel go round... or does it just add to the journey... in sorrow and fun!
Agh Whatever.....
Monday 11 July 2011
Sparkly moments
Tonight I feel quite down in the dumps and this is why I am going to remind myself of the sparkly moments. Ever just had a day where just nothing feels like it is working out... typical Blue Monday some will say..... Grrrrrrrrr..... but I had sparkly moments...
I am actually dedicating this blog to those kind words - that sometimes fall and it feeds an empty sad soul. :-)
My moments for today was:
A friend who chatted to me for a whole 3min. - I made him laugh and his greeting was: " Good bye my friend... thank you, you made it feel like spring for a moment! "
Another friend just said.... "Your special"
A colleague brought me biscuits and rusks, homemade wrapped in tin foil, specially for me....
The lady in the post office remembered my name.....(hehehehe... yes, I go there often)
Thank you for kindness given to me today.... it was a day where I lost my temper - but it is still a good day because of the sparkly moments.
I hope I have kind words when needed...... I'll use them less sparingly in future.
I am actually dedicating this blog to those kind words - that sometimes fall and it feeds an empty sad soul. :-)
My moments for today was:
A friend who chatted to me for a whole 3min. - I made him laugh and his greeting was: " Good bye my friend... thank you, you made it feel like spring for a moment! "
Another friend just said.... "Your special"
A colleague brought me biscuits and rusks, homemade wrapped in tin foil, specially for me....
The lady in the post office remembered my name.....(hehehehe... yes, I go there often)
Thank you for kindness given to me today.... it was a day where I lost my temper - but it is still a good day because of the sparkly moments.
I hope I have kind words when needed...... I'll use them less sparingly in future.
Saturday 9 July 2011
Going through the motions.....
Round and round and round I go!
I've sat between "old" friends last night and I thought, why dont I see these guys and gals so much anymore and then a cliche came to me....
"Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime...."
Are they still friends or are they just acquantances now. One of them actually added me on their bbm and then this morning I noticed that I had been deleted again.... and somehow I smiled.
The seasonal friends seem to be the most common, you know my friends from school, my friens from varsity, my friends from gym etc. When the season is over those people seem to move on too...
I have found that a lot of "friends" drift apart because of interests, children, jobs, schools......
The friends for a reason is much less, mostly those cause change and growth... also the most painful to leave behind.... or not hear from again and when you do hear from them, their might be a tear or a bit of excitement or just a pluck on the heart strings, but you do know, it was for a reason and not for a lifetime.... and goodbye and even farewell is inevitable......
I'd like to add here, that I mean inevitable, you cant go back. Even if you want to, it would be futile. Unless you need to learn the same lesson..... ;-)
Those that last a lifetime.... :-) ..... who's lifetime..... sounds a bit grim - I know, but I've lost significant people through death, I've lost them in this lifetime of mine, I should say. I know I will loose more, probably one of my reasons ..... I fear.... else I have very little to fear!
I know to fear is counter productive, rather just live for this moment for the time you spend with these amazing people now. Once again Carpe Diem - seize the day!
So why do I enjoy sitting alone, with only my thoughts, did I miss the opportunity to seize this day?!
OK..ok... tomorrow I will visit the most important and irreplaceable people in my life, my parents and one of my siblings, the one closest to me... Well Carpe Diem for tomorrow then!!
I've sat between "old" friends last night and I thought, why dont I see these guys and gals so much anymore and then a cliche came to me....
"Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime...."
Are they still friends or are they just acquantances now. One of them actually added me on their bbm and then this morning I noticed that I had been deleted again.... and somehow I smiled.
The seasonal friends seem to be the most common, you know my friends from school, my friens from varsity, my friends from gym etc. When the season is over those people seem to move on too...
I have found that a lot of "friends" drift apart because of interests, children, jobs, schools......
The friends for a reason is much less, mostly those cause change and growth... also the most painful to leave behind.... or not hear from again and when you do hear from them, their might be a tear or a bit of excitement or just a pluck on the heart strings, but you do know, it was for a reason and not for a lifetime.... and goodbye and even farewell is inevitable......
I'd like to add here, that I mean inevitable, you cant go back. Even if you want to, it would be futile. Unless you need to learn the same lesson..... ;-)
Those that last a lifetime.... :-) ..... who's lifetime..... sounds a bit grim - I know, but I've lost significant people through death, I've lost them in this lifetime of mine, I should say. I know I will loose more, probably one of my reasons ..... I fear.... else I have very little to fear!
I know to fear is counter productive, rather just live for this moment for the time you spend with these amazing people now. Once again Carpe Diem - seize the day!
So why do I enjoy sitting alone, with only my thoughts, did I miss the opportunity to seize this day?!
OK..ok... tomorrow I will visit the most important and irreplaceable people in my life, my parents and one of my siblings, the one closest to me... Well Carpe Diem for tomorrow then!!
Thursday 7 July 2011
On Pain
Silly story...
I learnt (I've actually always known), was just re-affirmed, something about myself. I do not have any inclination to do anybody bodily harm..... lol... Well not on purpose....
There has been these rare few incidents, where I accidently chipped my little's sister tooth or where I punched a patient after he grabbed my ass.... hahahahahahaha.... but I have to say... the first mentioned was really an accident, and she did kick first.... and the second was selfdefense and for selfpreservation....
hmmmmmmm..... I do have the tendency to laugh at other people's misfortune, of falling over their own feet or some other clumsy happening and I also find it embarassing but hillarious if I am the one doing the tumbles. Some people will state that cruel - first find out if there isnt any permanent damage before you laugh. Yeah... I do laugh at "stupidity" or "clumsiness".... that is probably cruel in a way.
hmmmm..... some people say they need to "feel" ala "hurt" to feel alive.... hehehehehe... when I am at such a place in my life... I eat.... probably why I gained 30kg over the last 4 years. ;-)
Bottomline.... it fascinates me - some people's attitude about pain and inflicting pain. Examples:
No. 1:
Male friend x: "How I miss school.... things were so easy.... you can get rid of your frustrations, by picking a good fight, and there is nothing like the feeling of a nose cracking under your knuckles!"
(*HORROR*) No, thank you, I cant think of anything worse!
No. 2:
Female friend x: " Dont touch my shoulder" (*Why not?*) Shows me fine cuts made by a razer - by HERSELF!!!
(*CONFUSION*)
No. 3:
In-Law asking little nephew: "Did you know that a match can burn twice?"
He proceded to light the match, while the boy looks to see this wonder, then he blows out the match, and presses the hot cole against the boys hand..... (SECOND BURN)
(*DISGUST*)
No. 4:
I actually love removing stuff from skin, like stitches, thorns, pimples, ............ !!!!!!! (ME? MYSELF?)
(*FASCINATION WITH FIXING - NOT WITH THE PAIN THOUGH*)
Pain? What a thought? Where does it fit in with the rest, like LOVE, SADNESS, PASSION, JOY.......
Can you live with my pain? Can I live with your pain? Without trying to move it, or hide it, or deny it?
I said I dont like pain....... maybe this needs more contemplating.
CARPE DIEM!! Ouch this is going to be painful!
I learnt (I've actually always known), was just re-affirmed, something about myself. I do not have any inclination to do anybody bodily harm..... lol... Well not on purpose....
There has been these rare few incidents, where I accidently chipped my little's sister tooth or where I punched a patient after he grabbed my ass.... hahahahahahaha.... but I have to say... the first mentioned was really an accident, and she did kick first.... and the second was selfdefense and for selfpreservation....
hmmmmmmm..... I do have the tendency to laugh at other people's misfortune, of falling over their own feet or some other clumsy happening and I also find it embarassing but hillarious if I am the one doing the tumbles. Some people will state that cruel - first find out if there isnt any permanent damage before you laugh. Yeah... I do laugh at "stupidity" or "clumsiness".... that is probably cruel in a way.
hmmmm..... some people say they need to "feel" ala "hurt" to feel alive.... hehehehehe... when I am at such a place in my life... I eat.... probably why I gained 30kg over the last 4 years. ;-)
Bottomline.... it fascinates me - some people's attitude about pain and inflicting pain. Examples:
No. 1:
Male friend x: "How I miss school.... things were so easy.... you can get rid of your frustrations, by picking a good fight, and there is nothing like the feeling of a nose cracking under your knuckles!"
(*HORROR*) No, thank you, I cant think of anything worse!
No. 2:
Female friend x: " Dont touch my shoulder" (*Why not?*) Shows me fine cuts made by a razer - by HERSELF!!!
(*CONFUSION*)
No. 3:
In-Law asking little nephew: "Did you know that a match can burn twice?"
He proceded to light the match, while the boy looks to see this wonder, then he blows out the match, and presses the hot cole against the boys hand..... (SECOND BURN)
(*DISGUST*)
No. 4:
I actually love removing stuff from skin, like stitches, thorns, pimples, ............ !!!!!!! (ME? MYSELF?)
(*FASCINATION WITH FIXING - NOT WITH THE PAIN THOUGH*)
Pain? What a thought? Where does it fit in with the rest, like LOVE, SADNESS, PASSION, JOY.......
Can you live with my pain? Can I live with your pain? Without trying to move it, or hide it, or deny it?
I said I dont like pain....... maybe this needs more contemplating.
CARPE DIEM!! Ouch this is going to be painful!
Wednesday 6 July 2011
A Puncture..... Good or Bad
I've started the year with a lot of things I felt I needed to prove to myself. I sat for a while thinking of all these goals I set for myself to prove to myself that I am actually on "a journey" - systematically most of these things fell away and I realised.....
Some things that I felt was important, was things I did with other people, or things that reminded me of the people and it was in a way trying to keep their memory in my life for a while longer. I realised that I am not a person that can go "cold turkey" on someone else. If I said I cared, I really do and I probably will always care.
Now I sit and I think - a bit without too much drive.... a puncture... a flat... but is it a bad thing. What is important to me, what are the things that will sustain me in the empty moments when I am all alone. Do I really mind being alone?
So I went... well cancel a life insurance policy and take out some anuities, if I die, well.... am I going to leave my belongings to my dogs.... my parents... or distribute it between my sisters? It is actually funny when you think about it? Also make sure I have a Willl and testament, because else everything might go to a government trust.
Now I sound like I am planning the end of my life, but indeed I am not, for the first time in a long time, I think what will benefit me alone and not somebody else. A friend once told me, that I have to be lying, because my way of thinking is just not normal - but it is who I am deep down. I love to love and I love to care and I love to try and make life better for all around me, it is my focus. I've failed miserably and I ended up resenting and sabotaging myself, because that is what I deserve - believing negative things people say, who really never cared enough to see me.
So is this flat, this puncture I have now, not maybe a good thing, although it might seem bad, because I am not bubbling and rushing to the next mission.
Carpe Diem! Today will go by in a whimper.
Some things that I felt was important, was things I did with other people, or things that reminded me of the people and it was in a way trying to keep their memory in my life for a while longer. I realised that I am not a person that can go "cold turkey" on someone else. If I said I cared, I really do and I probably will always care.
Now I sit and I think - a bit without too much drive.... a puncture... a flat... but is it a bad thing. What is important to me, what are the things that will sustain me in the empty moments when I am all alone. Do I really mind being alone?
So I went... well cancel a life insurance policy and take out some anuities, if I die, well.... am I going to leave my belongings to my dogs.... my parents... or distribute it between my sisters? It is actually funny when you think about it? Also make sure I have a Willl and testament, because else everything might go to a government trust.
Now I sound like I am planning the end of my life, but indeed I am not, for the first time in a long time, I think what will benefit me alone and not somebody else. A friend once told me, that I have to be lying, because my way of thinking is just not normal - but it is who I am deep down. I love to love and I love to care and I love to try and make life better for all around me, it is my focus. I've failed miserably and I ended up resenting and sabotaging myself, because that is what I deserve - believing negative things people say, who really never cared enough to see me.
So is this flat, this puncture I have now, not maybe a good thing, although it might seem bad, because I am not bubbling and rushing to the next mission.
Carpe Diem! Today will go by in a whimper.
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Wow... when that wheel take the downhill.....!!
Wow... when that wheel take the downhill.... you need to decide is it hold on or jump off!!!
If you dont make decisions, life will eventually make it for you. I am quite good at rationalisation. Trying to avoid the obvious to try and convince myself that things are not the way it is?!
I've become a fan of trying to keep things real, because then at least you can put on your knee and elbow braces, before you storm down that hill. OK.. OK... enough for talking in pictures, but I love it so!
My life is running away with me at the moment, my private life, my health, my work.......
A decision can change things, but what decision and do I want to make it?
The questions about right and wrong? Do you follow your heart or do you follow your logic?
A heart can be a treacherous thing, I've hurt so much after following my heart in the past, but if I just follow logic, wont the passion and the brightness and the meaning become less?
I am working towards a life with meaning - a life worth living. My life is anything but the run of the mill, I cant say I am an example to anybody, but then again, I dont believe I am a failure either?
So... do I dream about that decision again tonight..... clinging on the wheel while it speeds down the hill, or do I jump off and go to another cross road?
Ahhh... then let me use this cliche.... it is about the journey and not the destination...... ;-)
If you dont make decisions, life will eventually make it for you. I am quite good at rationalisation. Trying to avoid the obvious to try and convince myself that things are not the way it is?!
I've become a fan of trying to keep things real, because then at least you can put on your knee and elbow braces, before you storm down that hill. OK.. OK... enough for talking in pictures, but I love it so!
My life is running away with me at the moment, my private life, my health, my work.......
A decision can change things, but what decision and do I want to make it?
The questions about right and wrong? Do you follow your heart or do you follow your logic?
A heart can be a treacherous thing, I've hurt so much after following my heart in the past, but if I just follow logic, wont the passion and the brightness and the meaning become less?
I am working towards a life with meaning - a life worth living. My life is anything but the run of the mill, I cant say I am an example to anybody, but then again, I dont believe I am a failure either?
So... do I dream about that decision again tonight..... clinging on the wheel while it speeds down the hill, or do I jump off and go to another cross road?
Ahhh... then let me use this cliche.... it is about the journey and not the destination...... ;-)
Sunday 3 July 2011
Bump in the road.......
Does time heal?
Doesnt a wound almost always leave a scar?
I have my "break-down" times, I give myself time to think about the things that cause me pain, sorrow..... I however always have a deadline, cry my cry but when it is finished, I see the hope and the goodness in the rest of the day and I move on, until the next "break-down" moment.
I always expect them to become less and less, because am I not dealing with the pain. I've learnt that one learns to live with the pain, it never goes away, it becomes part of who I am, it is part of my compassion and understanding.
If I remember hard enough how I felt about an incident in the past, I could easily still feel that pain and cry... now ppl say, there is no benefit in living in the past, one has to move on - I dont disagree as such......
Just that for me to be me, I need to be real, I need to "feel" the pain, let the pain become part of me and learn to not paralyse me, but rather inspire me to be thankful for those times that didnt prove to be painful, those times that brought a smile!
I am very vague in my discussions, but this is where I am......
Doesnt a wound almost always leave a scar?
I have my "break-down" times, I give myself time to think about the things that cause me pain, sorrow..... I however always have a deadline, cry my cry but when it is finished, I see the hope and the goodness in the rest of the day and I move on, until the next "break-down" moment.
I always expect them to become less and less, because am I not dealing with the pain. I've learnt that one learns to live with the pain, it never goes away, it becomes part of who I am, it is part of my compassion and understanding.
If I remember hard enough how I felt about an incident in the past, I could easily still feel that pain and cry... now ppl say, there is no benefit in living in the past, one has to move on - I dont disagree as such......
Just that for me to be me, I need to be real, I need to "feel" the pain, let the pain become part of me and learn to not paralyse me, but rather inspire me to be thankful for those times that didnt prove to be painful, those times that brought a smile!
I am very vague in my discussions, but this is where I am......
Saturday 2 July 2011
Wheels of life......
A lot of times in my life I thought I cannot write anything worth writing because I probably dont have the depth of experience to actually make it worthwhile reading. I've just realised that nobody else can know exactly about anybody else's experience and one thing is for sure. I am 36 years and I have a lot of compassion and questions I can add to whomever would like to read.
I've experienced love, loss, lust and being alive!
I hope someday somebody who needs to hear something will happen to cross my blog and read that they are not alone. Ultimately we are all unique, but somebody somewhere does have enough understanding of your situation to be able to offer compassion.
I hope to speak about the worth of kindness, love, compassion and how even in the bad days it could still aid to your day tomorrow as the wheels of life keep on turning.
I've been so alone and felt so unloved before, that the luster of the flower of my life was just wilting almost dying - but somehow, there is always life in the roots, the deeper things you believe in. The framework you build your decisions on, the things your parents taught you. The few true friends that stuck by you in the hard times.
Personally I am struggling with the disappointment, pain and loss of friendships, where things just didnt work out. Sometimes I find a bit of bitterness and anger, but somehow I am hoping that I can fight it by staying positive on the good days.
Well let me start this and see what I have to say.......
I've experienced love, loss, lust and being alive!
I hope someday somebody who needs to hear something will happen to cross my blog and read that they are not alone. Ultimately we are all unique, but somebody somewhere does have enough understanding of your situation to be able to offer compassion.
I hope to speak about the worth of kindness, love, compassion and how even in the bad days it could still aid to your day tomorrow as the wheels of life keep on turning.
I've been so alone and felt so unloved before, that the luster of the flower of my life was just wilting almost dying - but somehow, there is always life in the roots, the deeper things you believe in. The framework you build your decisions on, the things your parents taught you. The few true friends that stuck by you in the hard times.
Personally I am struggling with the disappointment, pain and loss of friendships, where things just didnt work out. Sometimes I find a bit of bitterness and anger, but somehow I am hoping that I can fight it by staying positive on the good days.
Well let me start this and see what I have to say.......
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