He loves me... He loves me not... he loves me.... *sigh*

He loves me... He loves me not... he loves me..... *sigh*... round and round I go. I see that it is my 21st blog here, so I thought it fitting to right about probably the most important topic in every person's life.

We all have the want and need to love and be loved. Yes there are so many types of "love" - but is there really? I once had the opportunity for a school competition to speak on the facts of love - I was the lucky one who had to talk on the facts, the other 3 in the team, could speak about the emotions, which off course is way more interesting. (bit of useless info)

I can remember going down the list, mother love (probably the purest), platonic love.... etc. Today however I want to speak about romantic love. I believe every little girl dreams of being a princess in her life and that her price charming would find her and they would live happily ever after. 

Do I still wish that - being 30 something, already on the downhill to 40?  Off course, but does this person exist, how can this princess prepare for such a man? I dont wish to swallow a poisoned apple, neither do I want to sleep for a hundred years... however I believe that all the romantic experiences I've gone through - obviously still hasnt prepared me sufficiently for my prince or he is majorly lost or maybe waylayed or he never ever existed or life decided to take him early.....

Well, my blog today, is like Julio song's " To all the men I've loved before...... and in a way still do!" :-)

My next blog might be about the pain I had from most of these experiences but here is the good! (some names have been changed)

Brenton - My very first love and he loved me back. Wow! What an experience for a 15 year old, but I was 15,  I wanted to play not really love and I hurt you, but thank you for seeing me!

Konnie - a teenager's impulse to ask an outsider girl to dance - the only dance for the evening, made me feel like a princess. We are still friends and he still calls me princess. Konnie I love you for that.

Man with the black beetle (Gerhard) - I wish I was more mature when I met you. You wanted support, a friend to love and cherish, you saw me and loved me between loads of beauties, you decided to get to know me and you did. You were patient with the wild child - busy with her first year at varsity and relishing my new freedom. I broke your heart, because I was a butterfly in the wind this time, I saw this and I wish I could find you to tell you how sorry I am for that.

PieterFR - My LOVE, my husband of 6 and a bit years. My best friend - I cant help but I am crying while I am writing this, you also met the wild child, but you decided I was worth hanging on to and you spoilt me, boy, did you spoil me. I was so safe with you - but somehow something went wrong. No blame in this blog (sometimes I feel most with me) - thank you for loving me, I know you loved me still, even though you remarried..... Life decided to take you 29 Aug 2007. My memories of us I am saving very very tenderly.

Tim - All or nothing love. You made me feel special again. The way you never answered the phone when in my company, the way you prepared a playlist to play when expecting me for dinner and then taking all that trouble to make me feel special. We were not meant to be either and you found love before life also took you away in 2008. I havent seen you in years, but even from the grave you made me feel special, you must have told your new wife about me, because she sent me invitation to your memorial service, never meeting me or knowing who I was, it must have been you. Thank you Tim.

Deacon - The boy - forever young (he is older than me). I just loved you - because you wanted to be in my life. You made me feel like a woman - hard to explain. Didnt get anything but attention from you, but thank you for that.

Nige - Geesh I needed you to find myself. You made me see life for what it really is - you helped me see myself for who I really am. You made me realise that no relationship with me was working, because I wasnt being me, I was trying to be who people wanted me to be. I thank you for time and energy, you were the one sitting in my kitchen while I was breaking down, just hearing of Pieter's death. You were the one who invited me into your family and arranged birthday parties for me at your house. I still feel we are very much connected, because when I feel low, you phone or sms me. Thank you for your time and energy, I believe we still love each other and always will, we just genuinely dont understand how the other sees the world. I actually know you going to read this and I can just hear you! WTF!!!! and I am smiling.

Divemaster - I experienced cloud 9 with you. I fell in love with you in a big way - thank you for noticing me at a time in my life, when that is the last thing I would expect. I needed to know that I was worth noticing - always taking me by the hand in public meant a lot to me. Thank you - will always love you for making me feel beautiful, when I couldnt see it myself anymore.

Old friend - This was a suprise and amazing that you have loved me for so long and that you only wished to get to know the real me. For all these years. I love you for who you are for what we have shared - as friends. I have to let you go, because you will never be mine.

As you can see I have been blessed with love and I am so-so thankful, but also sad, that life, situations, whatever could not allow me to keep any of these wonderful guys or make them stay. I am blessed with friends who love me and I know some of them are reading this and thinking that I miss the moon by counting the stars.

Do I still believe in love - my love, my only love. I dont know anymore......

*sigh* ... I want to... .I might be an old princess, with battle wounds, but I'd like to be someone's princess for ever after. ;-)