One will probably never do something if it didn’t mean “something”. For example would you get up every morning to go to work, if it brought nothing to your life, even if it is just a salary at the end of the month?
Most people have heard the story about the professor and the glass container… just to refresh:
The professor asks his class whether a glass container full of rocks was full. It was filled to the brim so off course the class agreed that it was full. He then dropped smaller pebbles in between the rocks until once again the class smiling agreed it was full. He then gently sifted sand in between all the rocks and the pebbles and laughingly the class said, ok, now the container is full. But alas he then took a jug and poured some water into the container. The lesson he said was that the water is the lesser important things in your life, if you made that priority then you will not have space for any of the more important stuff like the rocks.
The rocks represent the important things, like family etc. Your pebbles: work, friends, hobbies etc. Sand: ….. think you get the picture.
I feel a bit confused at the moment. I am at a very ripe age, without my own family. I am not being invited to children’s niece’s and nephew’s parties and my exclaims on mother’s day “can’t buy you a present – your not a mother”. Suddenly all my priorities feels scewed. I’ve lost a whole lot supposed friends, because our priorities differ, they have children and families and I have me.
Friends say just up and leave go see the world! But my dogs, my job…. ???? those are things I take responsibility for and one of the larger pebbles in my container, if not a rock.
My parents they mean so much to me, but they have their own lives. An idea started sprouting in my mind last night. My mom say that I was definitely not planned. My sister born 3 years before me, had a complicated birth, which according to the doctor, left my mother infertile and actually with an injured uterus, he actually advised her to have a hysterectomy.
As I was indeed conceived 3 years later, my growth actually allowed the uterus to move back into position. My mom had normal birth. Why is my life leading me not to procreate, why in my life do I tend to want to be a problem solver, a healer…. Somebody who takes on guilt and responsibility too readily. I even ended up studying nursing, when I didn’t even understand or realize what the job entailed.
Why am I kicking against my fate, childless, partner less – alone. Isn’t it the ideal situation to really concentrate on being any kind of healer to whomever needs me and crosses my path and then letting them go to try and heal another? Why do I selfishly keep on wanting to find that something or someone that could mean everything to me?
I am kicking against who I should be and now I mean very little to a few, because I feel as if my life is short of meaning? Or am I giving up too soon on me? *sigh*
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