"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they want, and if they cant find them..... make them" George Bernard Shaw.
Feeling a bit short on motivation, I know there is so much to experience and accomplish, but all I want to do is go and hide in my little safe place for a while longer. Work has been tough the last few days, working until late at night, using my brain matter and concentration to the 'n'th degree.
Life has been kind to me, most people dont have a problem with me and thus I've had "things" relatively easy in life. I never considered that there might be a time, when I'd find people that would actually really be avoiding me.... lol... a strange thought that somehow doesnt gel nicely with my idea of me.
I've always felt, that no matter what disappointments I have in other areas of my life, I always have my job. I can work and I am good at what I do, I work hard and I try to really add value. Reflecting on me and my workspace at the moment, I am disappointed, I cant go home and know that everything is smooth sailing because I planned properly etc. Yes, I am managing, but things are just a bit much, I am caught believing lies, which is placing myself and people around me at such high risk and I feel sick to the stomach.
Why? I have been sued by a patient before, the incident I was sued for happened the 4th of Nov 1998. I can remember dates, times events, everything of this whole ordeal. Yeah, the case was eventually thrown out of court, but fact is that for 3 years of my life a patient tried - through our SA legal system, to prove that I am unprofessional. I cant deal with things like that again, I realise sitting here that this experience has left me more scarred than I realise, almost to the point of immobilisation, staring at the incident report before me. Yes, I am not the nurse who is to blame for the incident, but I am the nursing manager, that should have given the guidance and direction required. :-(
I can sit here and say, it is not my fault. I cant be everywhere and do everything? Somehow I just dont find it a healing thought. I am so really tired and fed-up of trying and trying and not accomplishing much - either way!
I need to focus on something good on something wholesome and positive. I'll find it and I am going to make it my mission to find something exciting and positive to write about. :-)....
OK, I am almost able to go home, I wont go lock myself up tonight... I will go out ....... even though I do not really ...... uhm... ok, maybe I'll stay home, let me think about that. :-)
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