I've started the year with a lot of things I felt I needed to prove to myself. I sat for a while thinking of all these goals I set for myself to prove to myself that I am actually on "a journey" - systematically most of these things fell away and I realised.....
Some things that I felt was important, was things I did with other people, or things that reminded me of the people and it was in a way trying to keep their memory in my life for a while longer. I realised that I am not a person that can go "cold turkey" on someone else. If I said I cared, I really do and I probably will always care.
Now I sit and I think - a bit without too much drive.... a puncture... a flat... but is it a bad thing. What is important to me, what are the things that will sustain me in the empty moments when I am all alone. Do I really mind being alone?
So I went... well cancel a life insurance policy and take out some anuities, if I die, well.... am I going to leave my belongings to my dogs.... my parents... or distribute it between my sisters? It is actually funny when you think about it? Also make sure I have a Willl and testament, because else everything might go to a government trust.
Now I sound like I am planning the end of my life, but indeed I am not, for the first time in a long time, I think what will benefit me alone and not somebody else. A friend once told me, that I have to be lying, because my way of thinking is just not normal - but it is who I am deep down. I love to love and I love to care and I love to try and make life better for all around me, it is my focus. I've failed miserably and I ended up resenting and sabotaging myself, because that is what I deserve - believing negative things people say, who really never cared enough to see me.
So is this flat, this puncture I have now, not maybe a good thing, although it might seem bad, because I am not bubbling and rushing to the next mission.
Carpe Diem! Today will go by in a whimper.
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