Livin la vida loca.....

The crazy life?! lol!

Somehow I think this is maybe not such a bad thing. I am not the world's wildest person, but I have a definite adventurous streak... maybe a lot more so than most other people. I dont want to live the crazy life so that other people would think me cool.... but I think the crazy life follow me, whether I wanna live la vida loca or not?

Maybe that is why I keep on having these issues that people find I threaten their relationships, that I seem to have too many seasonal friends, that enjoy the moment with me, but not the hard times... lol? No problem, I get it, I dont do things exactly the way social life dictates. I am very well adapted to civilisation - I think? ;-) I think being alone for a long time and doing my own thing, has made me a person who does things because I want to and not because I need to... or circumstances force me too....

Doesnt that make me a more reliable person, a person that is more real and true. I spend time with whomever I want to, I keep track of those I want to.... I do a job because I want to, even though I do complain a lot of times and the stress does give me high blood pressure... but I do thrive on the challenges.

I dont need to explain. I dont need to know. I am a person.... a little girl inside, who also wants to be a princess in her own life..... but a woman who wants to be respected and taken seriously.... and a friend, who you can take anyware without having to feel you need to babysit and keep me company the whole time.

If you want to be part of my life ..... you will. If you want to spend time with me.... you will. I am livin la vida loca, but I have a kind heart and it is safe to be with me and be my friend - because I do see you and when I am with you... it is because I want to be.

I do stupid things and I keep on hurting people who really care and would like to protect me from doing stupid things and being hurt. I am just me and I wont change, if you care you would accept me "livin la vida loca".... but living my life!

BTW.. I dont always answer the voices I hear...... :-p

We all owe one..... :-)

I drove to work this morning and next to the road was a body covered with a body bag, I could see the hands of a male hanging limply at the sides. Barely an hour ago he was planning to run across the street to get to work or wherever he was going.

An incident like this barely touches my life, but I dont know whether I am just getting older, but there are more and more people around me that are dying of unexpected causes at unexpected ages. My sister was at a funerial memorial on Sunday of a 21 year old, who swam in the sea with a group of school children on a church camp, he was caught in a whirlpool or something and he is gone, found week and a half later.... There is an email going around about this young Pretoria student who just disappeared.  These accidents and crime is scary enough.

I have young friends who are telling me about mild strokes, kidney failure and sudden bouts of hypertension. I have been struggling with hypertensive headaches myself the last year, fooling myself that I am watching it? A phonecall from a friend, about another friend who was packing to move to Jo'burg, he was alone, he had a heartattack at 39 and he is gone. The month before he told me he quit his job because the stress is going to kill him.

Most of us are working to make ends meet, we know that our work is 80% of our lives, but we live for weekends and the times that we can have some sanity, if the worry about tomorrow isn't going to drive us mad.

Bottom line, life just feels short to me today. It feels like we really are frail creatures, who needs some pampering. We need positivity and love, we need laughter, we need support.... We should learn compassion and we should try and be tolerant to those we just dont understand.

I am sure the end of this life, is not the absolute end, but somehow we are here living and breathing for a reason. I'd hate not to experience life to its fullest, if only I could stress less about the things I can do nothing about.....

Get on with it. :-)

"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they want, and if they cant find them..... make them" George Bernard Shaw.

Feeling a bit short on motivation, I know there is so much to experience and accomplish, but all I want to do is go and hide in my little safe place for a while longer. Work has been tough the last few days, working until late at night, using my brain matter and concentration to the 'n'th degree.

Life has been kind to me, most people dont have a problem with me and thus I've had "things" relatively easy in life. I never considered that there might be a time, when I'd find people that would actually really be avoiding me.... lol... a strange thought that somehow doesnt gel nicely with my idea of me.

I've always felt, that no matter what disappointments I have in other areas of my life, I always have my job. I can work and I am good at what I do, I work hard and I try to really add value. Reflecting on me and my workspace at the moment, I am disappointed, I cant go home and know that everything is smooth sailing because I planned properly etc. Yes, I am managing, but things are just a bit much, I am caught believing lies, which is placing myself and people around me at such high risk and I feel sick to the stomach.

Why? I have been sued by a patient before, the incident I was sued for happened the 4th of Nov 1998. I can remember dates, times events, everything of this whole ordeal. Yeah, the case was eventually thrown out of court, but fact is that for 3 years of my life a patient tried -  through our SA legal system, to prove that I am unprofessional. I cant deal with things like that again, I realise sitting here that this experience has left me more scarred than I realise, almost to the point of immobilisation, staring at the incident report before me. Yes, I am not the nurse who is to blame for the incident, but I am the nursing manager, that should have given the guidance and direction required. :-(

I can sit here and say, it is not my fault. I cant be everywhere and do everything? Somehow I just dont find it a healing thought. I am so really tired and fed-up of trying and trying and not accomplishing much - either way!

I need to focus on something good on something wholesome and positive. I'll find it and I am going to make it my mission to find something exciting and positive to write about. :-)....

OK, I am almost able to go home, I wont go lock myself up tonight... I will go out ....... even though I do not really ...... uhm... ok, maybe I'll stay home, let me think about that. :-)

Knowing me - knowing you .......

On a cold - cold winters morning a little bird was sitting in a field, shivering, minutes from freezing to death. The next moment a herd of cattle passed and as they passed a piece of cow dung fell on top of him. He couldnt believe how unlucky he could be, but while he was sitting there, contemplating his bad luck, he felt that he was warm and that he actually felt like singing... Which he off course did. A cat walked heard his little song and dug him up from amongst the dung and ate him up.

Moral of the story - when somebody causes shit in your life it is not necessarily a bad thing and when somebody gets you out of the shit, it is not necessarily a good thing!

Has it ever felt like you are selling your soul, your birth right, by taking help from somebody else? Why are people doing the things they do? Why am I doing the things I do?

People want to be judged on their intentions, but they judge others on their actions. What am I trying to say? People don't always intend to do a negative thing, but what do they actually do and do they actually realise what they are doing and how it affects the other people around them?

We all need to take a step back and really try and analyse why we are doing the things we do, what do we truely expect from others and what causes our disappointments. We tend to rasionalise our actions - finding "good" reasons, why we are doing or not doing certain things.

I believe that there has to be balance in everything - for every action a reaction. One cannot continue to take from others and never give anything in return and visa versa. Either of the scenarios wont have ideal results. Life will balance itself out eventually.

So what am I giving and what am I taking and from whom?

Like

It means something - not everything....

One will probably never do something if it didn’t mean “something”. For example would you get up every morning to go to work, if it brought nothing to your life, even if it is just a salary at the end of the month?

Most people have heard the story about the professor and the glass container… just to refresh:

The professor asks his class whether a glass container full of rocks was full. It was filled to the brim so off course the class agreed that it was full. He then dropped smaller pebbles in between the rocks until once again the class smiling agreed it was full. He then gently sifted sand in between all the rocks and the pebbles and laughingly the class said, ok, now the container is full. But alas he then took a jug and poured some water into the container. The lesson he said was that the water is the lesser important things in your life, if you made that priority then you will not have space for any of the more important stuff like the rocks.

The rocks represent the important things, like family etc. Your pebbles: work, friends, hobbies etc. Sand: ….. think you get the picture.

I feel a bit confused at the moment. I am at a very ripe age, without my own family. I am not being invited to children’s niece’s and nephew’s parties and my exclaims on mother’s day “can’t buy you a present – your not a mother”.  Suddenly all my priorities feels scewed. I’ve lost a whole lot supposed friends, because our priorities differ, they have children and families and I have me.

Friends say just up and leave go see the world! But my dogs, my job…. ???? those are things I take responsibility for and one of the larger pebbles in my container, if not a rock.

My parents they mean so much to me, but they have their own lives. An idea started sprouting in my mind last night. My mom say that I was definitely not planned. My sister born 3 years before me, had a complicated birth, which according to the doctor, left my mother infertile and actually with an injured uterus, he actually advised her to have a hysterectomy.

As I was indeed conceived 3 years later, my growth actually allowed the uterus to move back into position. My mom had normal birth. Why is my life leading me not to procreate, why in my life do I tend to want to be a problem solver, a healer…. Somebody who takes on guilt and responsibility too readily. I even ended up studying nursing, when I didn’t even understand or realize what the job entailed.

Why am I kicking against my fate, childless, partner less – alone. Isn’t it the ideal situation to really concentrate on being any kind of healer to whomever needs me and crosses my path and then letting them go to try and heal another? Why do I selfishly keep on wanting to find that something or someone that could mean everything to me?

I am kicking against who I should be and now I mean very little to a few, because I feel as if my life is short of meaning? Or am I giving up too soon on me? *sigh*

Following your heart.....

If you find what I write a little disjointed, please excuse me, this is me today, overworked and a little crazy.... I am even hiding things from myself and quite successfully I can say! But here goes.....

Did you ever know, really know that something is going to happen, but logically it just doesnt make sense. Following your logic  (naturally) - you then end up regretting not listening to that "gut feeling".

People have various explanations for this "feeling" - angels, guides, Holy Spirit..... what it is I wouldnt try and understand, it is one of those things should be accepted and not pondered on for too long, we will understand eventually - I believe.... ;-)

So many philophers say - "Follow your heart!".... but then you get the other school that say.. A heart is a treacherous thing, it could  blind, think before you leap!!

I have been excited about something, but then I started analysing the outcomes and the reasons why I am so excited and I felt the excitement drain from me... and I think.... OK, maybe a good thing I thought about it? Was it really? A moment lost?! Forever!

Is impulsiveness a bad thing? Hmmmmmm...... social experience has built in cool off period after signing big contracts, to allow the buyer to cancel, after they had "thought" about the buy a little. I've actually used that handy option once in my life, to cancel a course in "playing the stock market".... :-)

Obviously one's gut feeling has a use, what you use it for .... well that I think depends on how well you know yourself and what you see as important. Boundaries! Yes, I think that is what makes impulsiveness safe, be impulsive between boundaries that you have "thought" about .....

Well, all of the above addresses the impulses, but what about the warnings. Those I'd like to say one should listen to 100% of the time. I've always been sorry that I didnt listen to that little voice inside saying, no, or not now later...... If I can develop a sharper sense towards this little voice, I would, because somehow I am sitting here and thinking if only I had listened..... ?

Well, here I go! It is Friday let me have fun with the next impulse on its way! ;-).... Yip, I do like following my heart..... even if the outcome hurts sometimes.

The answers I will find in me.... the experiences I will find OUT THERE! lol

Money makes the wheels go round.....

Feeling the crunch... I think most of us can say... off course.

I know so many people who are really suffering through their finances. Yeah, ok, I also know people who have more than enough, but most people I know are feeling the punch.

People say dont wait till you have enough before you do things..... :-) I tried that and now I pay for things I have already done.... lol?

I am not materialistic, I do like my comforts however - with comforts I mean my independence, the ability to buy my dogs soft pedigree foodbags for every day. I am not unhappy because I dont have a big fancy house and a big fancy car, I just want to be safe.... although it would have been fun to have a motorbike....  To have a big screen TV, a different pair of shoes for every day.... ;-) All the beautiful underwear I can dream of.....

Although I think if I had money I'd spend it on experiences, going scuba diving, going on another adventure to who knows where? or Doing another course.... hehehehehehe..... learning another skill... I'd love to learn formal ball room dancing... Rhythm and dancing is in my blood.....

hmmmmmm..... still tomorrow comes... so does money make the wheel go round... or does it just add to the journey... in sorrow and fun!

Agh Whatever.....

Sparkly moments

Tonight I feel quite down in the dumps and this is why I am going to remind myself of the sparkly moments. Ever just had a day where just nothing feels like it is working out... typical Blue Monday some will say.....  Grrrrrrrrr..... but I had sparkly moments...

I am actually dedicating this blog to those kind words - that sometimes fall and it feeds an empty sad soul. :-)

My moments for today was:

A friend who chatted to me for a whole 3min. - I made him laugh and his greeting was: " Good bye my friend... thank you, you made it feel like spring for a moment! "

Another friend just said.... "Your special"

A colleague brought me biscuits and rusks, homemade wrapped in tin foil, specially for me....

The lady in the post office remembered my name.....(hehehehe... yes, I go there often)

Thank you for kindness given to me today.... it was a day where I lost my temper - but it is still a good day because of the sparkly moments.

I hope I have kind words when needed...... I'll use them less sparingly in future.

Going through the motions.....

Round and round and round I go!

I've sat between "old" friends last night and I thought, why dont I see these guys and gals so much anymore and then a cliche came to me....

"Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime...."

Are they still friends or are they just acquantances now. One of them actually added me on their bbm and then this morning I noticed that I had been deleted again.... and somehow I smiled.

The seasonal friends seem to be the most common, you know my friends from school, my friens from varsity, my friends from gym etc. When the season is over those people seem to move on too...

I have found that a lot of "friends" drift apart because of interests, children, jobs, schools......

The friends for a reason is much less, mostly those cause change and growth... also the most painful to leave behind.... or not hear from again and when you do hear from them, their might be a tear or a bit of excitement or just a pluck on the heart strings, but you do know, it was for a reason and not for a lifetime.... and goodbye and even farewell is inevitable......

I'd like to add here, that I mean inevitable, you cant go back. Even if you want to, it would be futile. Unless you need to learn the same lesson..... ;-)

Those that last a lifetime.... :-) ..... who's lifetime..... sounds a bit grim - I know, but I've lost significant people through death, I've lost them in this lifetime of mine, I should say. I know I will loose more, probably one of my reasons ..... I fear.... else I have very little to fear!

I know to fear is counter productive, rather just live for this moment for the time you spend with these amazing people now. Once again Carpe Diem - seize the day!

So why do I enjoy sitting alone, with only my thoughts, did I miss the opportunity to seize this day?!

OK..ok... tomorrow I will visit the most important and irreplaceable people in my life, my parents and one of my siblings, the one closest to me... Well Carpe Diem for tomorrow then!!

On Pain

Silly story...

I learnt (I've actually always known), was just re-affirmed, something about myself. I do not have any inclination to do anybody bodily harm..... lol... Well not on purpose....

There has been these rare few incidents, where I accidently chipped my little's sister tooth or where I punched a patient after he grabbed my ass.... hahahahahahaha.... but I have to say... the first mentioned was really an accident, and she did kick first.... and the second was selfdefense and for selfpreservation....

hmmmmmmm..... I do have the tendency to laugh at other people's misfortune, of falling over their own feet or some other clumsy happening and I also find it embarassing but hillarious if I am the one doing the tumbles. Some people will state that cruel - first find out if there isnt any permanent damage before you laugh. Yeah... I do laugh at "stupidity" or "clumsiness".... that is probably cruel in a way.

hmmmm..... some people say they need to "feel" ala "hurt" to feel alive.... hehehehehe... when I am at such a place in my life... I eat.... probably why I gained 30kg over the last 4 years. ;-) 

Bottomline.... it fascinates me - some people's attitude about pain and inflicting pain. Examples:

No. 1:
Male friend x: "How I miss school.... things were so easy.... you can get rid of your frustrations, by picking a good fight, and there is nothing like the feeling of a nose cracking under your knuckles!"

(*HORROR*) No, thank you, I cant think of anything worse!

No. 2:
Female friend x: " Dont touch my shoulder" (*Why not?*) Shows me fine cuts made by a razer - by HERSELF!!!

(*CONFUSION*)

No. 3:
In-Law asking little nephew: "Did you know that a match can burn twice?"
He proceded to light the match, while the boy looks to see this wonder, then he blows out the match, and presses the hot cole against the boys hand..... (SECOND BURN)

(*DISGUST*)

No. 4:
I actually love removing stuff from skin, like stitches, thorns, pimples, ............ !!!!!!! (ME? MYSELF?)

(*FASCINATION WITH FIXING - NOT WITH THE PAIN THOUGH*)

Pain? What a thought? Where does it fit in with the rest, like LOVE, SADNESS, PASSION, JOY.......

Can you live with my pain? Can I live with your pain? Without trying to move it, or hide it, or deny it?

I said I dont like pain....... maybe this needs more contemplating.

CARPE DIEM!! Ouch this is going to be painful!

A Puncture..... Good or Bad

I've started the year with a lot of things I felt I needed to prove to myself. I sat for a while thinking of all these goals I set for myself to prove to myself that I am actually on "a journey" - systematically most of these things fell away and I realised.....

Some things that I felt was important, was things I did with other people, or things that reminded me of the people and it was in a way trying to keep their memory in my life for a while longer. I realised that I am not a person that can go "cold turkey" on someone else. If I said I cared, I really do and I probably will always care.

Now I sit and I think - a bit without too much drive.... a puncture... a flat... but is it a bad thing. What is important to me, what are the things that will sustain me in the empty moments when I am all alone. Do I really mind being alone?

So I went... well cancel a life insurance policy and take out some anuities, if I die, well.... am I going to leave my belongings to my dogs.... my parents... or distribute it between my sisters? It is actually funny when you think about it? Also make sure I have a Willl and testament, because else everything might go to a government trust.

Now I sound like I am planning the end of my life, but indeed I am not, for the first time in a long time, I think what will benefit me alone and not somebody else. A friend once told me, that I have to be lying, because my way of thinking is just not normal - but it is who I am deep down. I love to love and I love to care and I love to try and make life better for all around me, it is my focus. I've failed miserably and I ended up resenting and sabotaging myself, because that is what I deserve - believing negative things people say, who really never cared enough to see me.

So is this flat, this puncture I have now, not maybe a good thing, although it might seem bad, because I am not bubbling and rushing to the next mission.

Carpe Diem! Today will go by in a whimper.

Wow... when that wheel take the downhill.....!!

Wow... when that wheel take the downhill.... you need to decide is it hold on or jump off!!!

If you dont make decisions, life will eventually make it for you. I am quite good at rationalisation. Trying to avoid the obvious to try and convince myself that things are not the way it is?!

I've become a fan of trying to keep things real, because then at least you can put on your knee and elbow braces, before you storm down that hill. OK.. OK... enough for talking in pictures, but I love it so!

My life is running away with me at the moment, my private life, my health, my work.......

A decision can change things, but what decision and do I want to make it?

The questions about right and wrong? Do you follow your heart or do you follow your logic?

A heart can be a treacherous thing, I've hurt so much after following my heart in the past, but if I just follow logic, wont the passion and the brightness and the meaning become less?

I am working towards a life with meaning - a life worth living. My life is anything but the run of the mill, I cant say I am an example to anybody, but then again, I dont believe I am a failure either?

So... do I dream about that decision again tonight..... clinging on the wheel while it speeds down the hill, or do I jump off and go to another cross road?

Ahhh... then let me use this cliche.... it is about the journey and not the destination...... ;-)

Bump in the road.......

Does time heal?

Doesnt a wound almost always leave a scar?

I have my "break-down" times, I give myself time to think about the things that cause me pain, sorrow..... I however always have a deadline, cry my cry but when it is finished, I see the hope and the goodness in the rest of the day and I move on, until the next "break-down" moment.

I always expect them to become less and less, because am I not dealing with the pain. I've learnt that one learns to live with the pain, it never goes away, it becomes part of who I am, it is part of my compassion and understanding.

If I remember hard enough how I felt about an incident in the past, I could easily still feel that pain and cry... now ppl say, there is no benefit in living in the past, one has to move on - I dont disagree as such......

Just that for me to be me, I need to be real, I need to "feel" the pain, let the pain become part of me and learn to not paralyse me, but rather inspire me to be thankful for those times that didnt prove to be painful, those times that brought a smile!

I am very vague in my discussions, but this is where I am......

Wheels of life......

A lot of times in my life I thought I cannot write anything worth writing because I probably dont have the depth of experience to actually make it worthwhile reading. I've just realised that nobody else can know exactly about anybody else's experience and one thing is for sure. I am 36 years and I have a lot of compassion and questions I can add to whomever would like to read.

I've experienced love, loss, lust and being alive!

I hope someday somebody who needs to hear something will happen to cross my blog and read that they are not alone. Ultimately we are all unique, but somebody somewhere does have enough understanding of your situation to be able to offer compassion.

I hope to speak about the worth of kindness, love, compassion and how even in the bad days it could still aid to your day tomorrow as the wheels of life keep on turning.

I've been so alone and felt so unloved before, that the luster of the flower of my life was just wilting almost dying - but somehow, there is always life in the roots, the deeper things you believe in. The framework you build your decisions on, the things your parents taught you. The few true friends that stuck by you in the hard times.

Personally I am struggling with the disappointment, pain and loss of friendships, where things just didnt work out. Sometimes I find a bit of bitterness and anger, but somehow I am hoping that I can fight it by staying positive on the good days.

Well let me start this and see what I have to say.......