Ever looked someone or some animal in the eye and felt that stinging pang of pity? It makes me feel sick to the stomach..... How can I stop imagining their pain?
Today I saw a man in the spar he was so dirty and thin, that he must be sleeping in the felt somewhere, he was rubbing a few coins together while having a 100ml bottle of milk in his hands, his pants were too short... most people stared at him in disgust, as if to accuse him of filling their space with his unwanted presence.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply..... waiting for the pang of pain to disappear in my chest. My basket felt heavy in my hands. I shook my head, I work hard for the little money that I do have and he didnt ask for anything, so how dare I pity him, would I want somebody to pity me, if I do not look like the general bloke??
On my way to work I stopped at a traffic light and infront of me the Roodepoort SPCA van drove past, an old dog was sitting in a cage, looking so unhappy and forlorn, wasnt even trying to look out and see what is going on outside the cage? "PANG" the pain in my chest again, I had to swallow very hard not to start crying right there and then. How long before he gets the "injection", he is definitely not a cute puppy anymore and definitely didnt seem like a robust watch dog?! I brought the image of my happy dachsies in my mind, how they stare at me and is with me and soak up the love I give them and they give me plenty in return... how happy they are if they get their "kossies" in the morning...... doesnt kill the pain.
I go visit my frail aunt, only bone and skin, she cant feed herself anymore, she has to wear nappies and the "lady", even through the dimentia and parkinsons, will NOT do a number two in her nappies. She had a bright moment during my short visit, to help with the pressure sore that formed on her ancle - she told me how one of these days she's going to walk the streets - I joked and said that we will have a carnaval down Kruger Avenue.... oh and she laughed (she cant even move herself in bed from one sore hip, to the other)......
I was thinking about all of this, I was thinking about the people who are in unhappy relationships, I was thinking about the hungry children, the rebels who are dying for their cause in Tripoli... I was thinking of the rhyno's that are being killed for only a small part of their big carcass.... I was thinking - I was thinking.....
.... and I realised, if you cant do something, do not pity. Rather send love, light and positive thoughts to those people. Would I want someone to cry harder than me, when I go through a tough time, or would l like to see a vision of hope and possibly a brighter future.... or even an end to suffering whatever that might mean.
I dont wanna be pitied... now to teach my heart to refrain from aching and feeling sorry, rather just do what I can and smile?! The sufferer might appreciate a smile?
*sigh*
Monday 22 August 2011
Sunday 14 August 2011
He loves me... He loves me not... he loves me.... *sigh*
He loves me... He loves me not... he loves me..... *sigh*... round and round I go. I see that it is my 21st blog here, so I thought it fitting to right about probably the most important topic in every person's life.
We all have the want and need to love and be loved. Yes there are so many types of "love" - but is there really? I once had the opportunity for a school competition to speak on the facts of love - I was the lucky one who had to talk on the facts, the other 3 in the team, could speak about the emotions, which off course is way more interesting. (bit of useless info)
I can remember going down the list, mother love (probably the purest), platonic love.... etc. Today however I want to speak about romantic love. I believe every little girl dreams of being a princess in her life and that her price charming would find her and they would live happily ever after.
Do I still wish that - being 30 something, already on the downhill to 40? Off course, but does this person exist, how can this princess prepare for such a man? I dont wish to swallow a poisoned apple, neither do I want to sleep for a hundred years... however I believe that all the romantic experiences I've gone through - obviously still hasnt prepared me sufficiently for my prince or he is majorly lost or maybe waylayed or he never ever existed or life decided to take him early.....
Well, my blog today, is like Julio song's " To all the men I've loved before...... and in a way still do!" :-)
My next blog might be about the pain I had from most of these experiences but here is the good! (some names have been changed)
Brenton - My very first love and he loved me back. Wow! What an experience for a 15 year old, but I was 15, I wanted to play not really love and I hurt you, but thank you for seeing me!
Konnie - a teenager's impulse to ask an outsider girl to dance - the only dance for the evening, made me feel like a princess. We are still friends and he still calls me princess. Konnie I love you for that.
Man with the black beetle (Gerhard) - I wish I was more mature when I met you. You wanted support, a friend to love and cherish, you saw me and loved me between loads of beauties, you decided to get to know me and you did. You were patient with the wild child - busy with her first year at varsity and relishing my new freedom. I broke your heart, because I was a butterfly in the wind this time, I saw this and I wish I could find you to tell you how sorry I am for that.
PieterFR - My LOVE, my husband of 6 and a bit years. My best friend - I cant help but I am crying while I am writing this, you also met the wild child, but you decided I was worth hanging on to and you spoilt me, boy, did you spoil me. I was so safe with you - but somehow something went wrong. No blame in this blog (sometimes I feel most with me) - thank you for loving me, I know you loved me still, even though you remarried..... Life decided to take you 29 Aug 2007. My memories of us I am saving very very tenderly.
Tim - All or nothing love. You made me feel special again. The way you never answered the phone when in my company, the way you prepared a playlist to play when expecting me for dinner and then taking all that trouble to make me feel special. We were not meant to be either and you found love before life also took you away in 2008. I havent seen you in years, but even from the grave you made me feel special, you must have told your new wife about me, because she sent me invitation to your memorial service, never meeting me or knowing who I was, it must have been you. Thank you Tim.
Deacon - The boy - forever young (he is older than me). I just loved you - because you wanted to be in my life. You made me feel like a woman - hard to explain. Didnt get anything but attention from you, but thank you for that.
Nige - Geesh I needed you to find myself. You made me see life for what it really is - you helped me see myself for who I really am. You made me realise that no relationship with me was working, because I wasnt being me, I was trying to be who people wanted me to be. I thank you for time and energy, you were the one sitting in my kitchen while I was breaking down, just hearing of Pieter's death. You were the one who invited me into your family and arranged birthday parties for me at your house. I still feel we are very much connected, because when I feel low, you phone or sms me. Thank you for your time and energy, I believe we still love each other and always will, we just genuinely dont understand how the other sees the world. I actually know you going to read this and I can just hear you! WTF!!!! and I am smiling.
Divemaster - I experienced cloud 9 with you. I fell in love with you in a big way - thank you for noticing me at a time in my life, when that is the last thing I would expect. I needed to know that I was worth noticing - always taking me by the hand in public meant a lot to me. Thank you - will always love you for making me feel beautiful, when I couldnt see it myself anymore.
Old friend - This was a suprise and amazing that you have loved me for so long and that you only wished to get to know the real me. For all these years. I love you for who you are for what we have shared - as friends. I have to let you go, because you will never be mine.
As you can see I have been blessed with love and I am so-so thankful, but also sad, that life, situations, whatever could not allow me to keep any of these wonderful guys or make them stay. I am blessed with friends who love me and I know some of them are reading this and thinking that I miss the moon by counting the stars.
Do I still believe in love - my love, my only love. I dont know anymore......
*sigh* ... I want to... .I might be an old princess, with battle wounds, but I'd like to be someone's princess for ever after. ;-)
We all have the want and need to love and be loved. Yes there are so many types of "love" - but is there really? I once had the opportunity for a school competition to speak on the facts of love - I was the lucky one who had to talk on the facts, the other 3 in the team, could speak about the emotions, which off course is way more interesting. (bit of useless info)
I can remember going down the list, mother love (probably the purest), platonic love.... etc. Today however I want to speak about romantic love. I believe every little girl dreams of being a princess in her life and that her price charming would find her and they would live happily ever after.
Do I still wish that - being 30 something, already on the downhill to 40? Off course, but does this person exist, how can this princess prepare for such a man? I dont wish to swallow a poisoned apple, neither do I want to sleep for a hundred years... however I believe that all the romantic experiences I've gone through - obviously still hasnt prepared me sufficiently for my prince or he is majorly lost or maybe waylayed or he never ever existed or life decided to take him early.....
Well, my blog today, is like Julio song's " To all the men I've loved before...... and in a way still do!" :-)
My next blog might be about the pain I had from most of these experiences but here is the good! (some names have been changed)
Brenton - My very first love and he loved me back. Wow! What an experience for a 15 year old, but I was 15, I wanted to play not really love and I hurt you, but thank you for seeing me!
Konnie - a teenager's impulse to ask an outsider girl to dance - the only dance for the evening, made me feel like a princess. We are still friends and he still calls me princess. Konnie I love you for that.
Man with the black beetle (Gerhard) - I wish I was more mature when I met you. You wanted support, a friend to love and cherish, you saw me and loved me between loads of beauties, you decided to get to know me and you did. You were patient with the wild child - busy with her first year at varsity and relishing my new freedom. I broke your heart, because I was a butterfly in the wind this time, I saw this and I wish I could find you to tell you how sorry I am for that.
PieterFR - My LOVE, my husband of 6 and a bit years. My best friend - I cant help but I am crying while I am writing this, you also met the wild child, but you decided I was worth hanging on to and you spoilt me, boy, did you spoil me. I was so safe with you - but somehow something went wrong. No blame in this blog (sometimes I feel most with me) - thank you for loving me, I know you loved me still, even though you remarried..... Life decided to take you 29 Aug 2007. My memories of us I am saving very very tenderly.
Tim - All or nothing love. You made me feel special again. The way you never answered the phone when in my company, the way you prepared a playlist to play when expecting me for dinner and then taking all that trouble to make me feel special. We were not meant to be either and you found love before life also took you away in 2008. I havent seen you in years, but even from the grave you made me feel special, you must have told your new wife about me, because she sent me invitation to your memorial service, never meeting me or knowing who I was, it must have been you. Thank you Tim.
Deacon - The boy - forever young (he is older than me). I just loved you - because you wanted to be in my life. You made me feel like a woman - hard to explain. Didnt get anything but attention from you, but thank you for that.
Nige - Geesh I needed you to find myself. You made me see life for what it really is - you helped me see myself for who I really am. You made me realise that no relationship with me was working, because I wasnt being me, I was trying to be who people wanted me to be. I thank you for time and energy, you were the one sitting in my kitchen while I was breaking down, just hearing of Pieter's death. You were the one who invited me into your family and arranged birthday parties for me at your house. I still feel we are very much connected, because when I feel low, you phone or sms me. Thank you for your time and energy, I believe we still love each other and always will, we just genuinely dont understand how the other sees the world. I actually know you going to read this and I can just hear you! WTF!!!! and I am smiling.
Divemaster - I experienced cloud 9 with you. I fell in love with you in a big way - thank you for noticing me at a time in my life, when that is the last thing I would expect. I needed to know that I was worth noticing - always taking me by the hand in public meant a lot to me. Thank you - will always love you for making me feel beautiful, when I couldnt see it myself anymore.
Old friend - This was a suprise and amazing that you have loved me for so long and that you only wished to get to know the real me. For all these years. I love you for who you are for what we have shared - as friends. I have to let you go, because you will never be mine.
As you can see I have been blessed with love and I am so-so thankful, but also sad, that life, situations, whatever could not allow me to keep any of these wonderful guys or make them stay. I am blessed with friends who love me and I know some of them are reading this and thinking that I miss the moon by counting the stars.
Do I still believe in love - my love, my only love. I dont know anymore......
*sigh* ... I want to... .I might be an old princess, with battle wounds, but I'd like to be someone's princess for ever after. ;-)
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Spare wheel .......
Today I felt like a spare wheel, like I dont belong. We move around in areas and situations that we know, that we can predict. I had a project that went wrong in an area where I was the only white face to be seen for hours. I am not afraid of my fellow South Africans, I have not had a racist hair on my head for years. Still having people react to you, like you dont belong, made me feel like maybe I dont.... :-(
I knew I had a purpose and I was adamant on succeeding, I never once felt like I was in danger, I just felt out of place.... People tried to be kind, by trying to speak to me in Afrikaans, South Africans definitely still have some sense of the rainbow nation. I just wish one didnt feel like the outsider, the spare wheel....
I know to get rid of this feeling, one needs to move around more in spaces, where you are the spare wheel or the stranger. Life's pressures just sometimes cause that we try and avoid just that. Keep to the known, the safe, the "RUT"??
Oh, well, to grow you need to move out of your comfort zone.... I hope I can?!
I knew I had a purpose and I was adamant on succeeding, I never once felt like I was in danger, I just felt out of place.... People tried to be kind, by trying to speak to me in Afrikaans, South Africans definitely still have some sense of the rainbow nation. I just wish one didnt feel like the outsider, the spare wheel....
I know to get rid of this feeling, one needs to move around more in spaces, where you are the spare wheel or the stranger. Life's pressures just sometimes cause that we try and avoid just that. Keep to the known, the safe, the "RUT"??
Oh, well, to grow you need to move out of your comfort zone.... I hope I can?!
Monday 8 August 2011
25 Ways to deal with betrayal.........
In no particular order they are as follows:
Reflect: Spend time analysing and reflecting on the whole event and ask yourself if the relationship/friendship is worth salvaging. Once you’ve taken time to reflect on the issue, you may proceed with a cautious confrontation. Confront the issues that led to the betrayal. It’s important you have all the correct information/facts before any confrontation and when you decide to take that step ensure you are clear, direct and exercise a bit of restraint on your temper.
Take things easy: Don’t be so hard on yourself because you were betrayed. There is always a tendency for you accept unnecessary blame for the turnout of events or resort to harmful practices as a means to alleviate the hurt. Cut yourself some slack and be encouraged by things that give you meaning.
Let go: Let go of your emotions constructively. Cry if it will make you feel better, take long walks. Don’t be embarrassed at it. Whatever you do, make sure it’s constructive and makes you feel better after all you are the one that’s been BETRAYED!!!
Build Courage: It’s a difficult and painful experience but you’ve got to sum up the courage and acknowledge betrayal is a part of life. If managed properly it equips you with a better understanding for future relationships with friends, family, colleagues…….
Integrity: Show some dignity in dealing with a betrayal. Be a man or woman of few words and manage the whole situation with your integrity intact.
Reconcile: Keep an open heart and mind to reconciliation. It’s difficult, but learn to forgive and move on.
Set Goals: Be determined to come out of the whole experience of betrayal stronger with new ideals, thought patterns and character.
Get Inspired: Be inspired/empowered by listening to, reading and watching positive media that will contribute to uplifting your spirits which results in strengthening your emotions while going through the betrayal.
Build Your Self Confidence: Look for constructive ways to rebuild your personality, self confidence and esteem.
Think Constructively: Think carefully and constructively on your future actions in old and new relationships. Do you want to give it one more chance, take a break or walk away from it completely?
Face Your Fears: Face your fears by taking risks, building positive relationships, discussing or sharing them with friends, family…..
Network: Avoid being alone through the period of betrayal. Spend a lot of time with other friends, family, colleagues….. They could serve as listening ears and provide all sorts of encouragement.
Optimism: Show a bit of optimism in everything you do, it helps in putting the past behind you and gives you a positive approach to dealing with betrayal.
Hold Back On Revenge: I’m not sure if revenge is worth your time. It’s a display of maturity if you do not resort to the same tactics used or different game plans to hurt anyone.
Personal Development: Focus on your personal growth, appearance and development.
No Self Harm Please: Avoid all forms of self harm. Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs as a quick route to escape from the hurt or drown your sorrows. The pain will still be there in the morning along with a hangover!
Self Denial: Be secured in who, what and whom you are. Learn to deal with all your insecurities. Stop living in self denial and feeling sorry for yourself. Experiencing a betrayal is tough but think constructively and create a positive attitude around you. Work on building trustworthy relationships with other people. You must know what you want from a new relationship or friendship.
Use Your Intuition: Start paying more attention to your feelings, thoughts and intuition keeping your eyes open, heart protected slightly and head in place. Please note: This shouldn’t make you overbearingly suspicious of anybody, event or circumstance.
Stay Active: Be active. Research shows that there is a close relationship between your physical and mental health so try exercising, go dancing (Salsa), take a walk, start a hobby……….
Love Again: The toughest lesson is learning to love/trust again. It’s difficult but you’ve got to remember not everyone is going to act like your ex, friend, colleague, spouse….
Think Of The Future: Let your thoughts of the future be inspiring, memorable, motivating and encouraging.
Stop Worrying: Worry less and develop a new focus. It reduces your anxiety levels and prevents you from constantly making all kinds of unnecessary assumptions.
Celebrate Your Progress: You’ve been betrayed, so what!!!! Be happy with any progress or changes you make in any sphere of your life using it as a springboard to developing new friendships or relationships.
Patience: Exercise a lot of patience when experiencing a betrayal. It allows you handle various situations with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists.
Seek Professional Help: Where/When necessary, seek the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, social worker, GP…..
Reflect: Spend time analysing and reflecting on the whole event and ask yourself if the relationship/friendship is worth salvaging. Once you’ve taken time to reflect on the issue, you may proceed with a cautious confrontation. Confront the issues that led to the betrayal. It’s important you have all the correct information/facts before any confrontation and when you decide to take that step ensure you are clear, direct and exercise a bit of restraint on your temper.
Take things easy: Don’t be so hard on yourself because you were betrayed. There is always a tendency for you accept unnecessary blame for the turnout of events or resort to harmful practices as a means to alleviate the hurt. Cut yourself some slack and be encouraged by things that give you meaning.
Let go: Let go of your emotions constructively. Cry if it will make you feel better, take long walks. Don’t be embarrassed at it. Whatever you do, make sure it’s constructive and makes you feel better after all you are the one that’s been BETRAYED!!!
Build Courage: It’s a difficult and painful experience but you’ve got to sum up the courage and acknowledge betrayal is a part of life. If managed properly it equips you with a better understanding for future relationships with friends, family, colleagues…….
Integrity: Show some dignity in dealing with a betrayal. Be a man or woman of few words and manage the whole situation with your integrity intact.
Reconcile: Keep an open heart and mind to reconciliation. It’s difficult, but learn to forgive and move on.
Set Goals: Be determined to come out of the whole experience of betrayal stronger with new ideals, thought patterns and character.
Get Inspired: Be inspired/empowered by listening to, reading and watching positive media that will contribute to uplifting your spirits which results in strengthening your emotions while going through the betrayal.
Build Your Self Confidence: Look for constructive ways to rebuild your personality, self confidence and esteem.
Think Constructively: Think carefully and constructively on your future actions in old and new relationships. Do you want to give it one more chance, take a break or walk away from it completely?
Face Your Fears: Face your fears by taking risks, building positive relationships, discussing or sharing them with friends, family…..
Network: Avoid being alone through the period of betrayal. Spend a lot of time with other friends, family, colleagues….. They could serve as listening ears and provide all sorts of encouragement.
Optimism: Show a bit of optimism in everything you do, it helps in putting the past behind you and gives you a positive approach to dealing with betrayal.
Hold Back On Revenge: I’m not sure if revenge is worth your time. It’s a display of maturity if you do not resort to the same tactics used or different game plans to hurt anyone.
Personal Development: Focus on your personal growth, appearance and development.
No Self Harm Please: Avoid all forms of self harm. Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs as a quick route to escape from the hurt or drown your sorrows. The pain will still be there in the morning along with a hangover!
Self Denial: Be secured in who, what and whom you are. Learn to deal with all your insecurities. Stop living in self denial and feeling sorry for yourself. Experiencing a betrayal is tough but think constructively and create a positive attitude around you. Work on building trustworthy relationships with other people. You must know what you want from a new relationship or friendship.
Use Your Intuition: Start paying more attention to your feelings, thoughts and intuition keeping your eyes open, heart protected slightly and head in place. Please note: This shouldn’t make you overbearingly suspicious of anybody, event or circumstance.
Stay Active: Be active. Research shows that there is a close relationship between your physical and mental health so try exercising, go dancing (Salsa), take a walk, start a hobby……….
Love Again: The toughest lesson is learning to love/trust again. It’s difficult but you’ve got to remember not everyone is going to act like your ex, friend, colleague, spouse….
Think Of The Future: Let your thoughts of the future be inspiring, memorable, motivating and encouraging.
Stop Worrying: Worry less and develop a new focus. It reduces your anxiety levels and prevents you from constantly making all kinds of unnecessary assumptions.
Celebrate Your Progress: You’ve been betrayed, so what!!!! Be happy with any progress or changes you make in any sphere of your life using it as a springboard to developing new friendships or relationships.
Patience: Exercise a lot of patience when experiencing a betrayal. It allows you handle various situations with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists.
Seek Professional Help: Where/When necessary, seek the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, social worker, GP…..
Spiritual Meaning underlying diseases
According to Louise Hay's book, healing yourself, there are spiritual meaning that causes specific diseases. I've just been diagnosed with chronic hypertension, this means high blood pressure. I've been trying to ignore it for months now, thinking it will go away, but alas, it is just getting worse.
For interests sake I went to see what kind of spiritual meaning could have caused this chronic disease, according to Louise Hay, well what I found is that long standing emotional problems that are unsolved might have caused this and that the affirmation one should concentrate to heal yourself would be: " I joyously release the past. I am at peace."
Looking at this, it might pretty much be true, I have many unresolved emotions, I am carrying insde of me, not really knowing how to resolve them. Finding peace seems to be the answer, I am not at WAR with anybody, or am I. I love to describe the acronym WAR as We Are Right? Somebody forcing an issue, viewpoint or agenda on another party, that must obviously then be ?? Wrong???..... hmmmmm ....
Sitting here wondering which emotions I am clinging to as being right, but still affecting my happiness and emotions. Somehow the word that jumps up at me tonight is BETRAYAL... I feel betrayed by loved one's, friends, family and mostly by myself. I feel unsafe with my decision making and I feel like I should forever be ready to be able to deal with "the other shoe dropping"or the "wheels falling off" - using my blog analogy.
How does one feel less betrayed....?? Maybe research worth doing? How does one loose the fear of the next betrayal, that seems to be a given? Something worth thinking about and stomping to dust, till I find a solid opinion worth sharing......
For interests sake I went to see what kind of spiritual meaning could have caused this chronic disease, according to Louise Hay, well what I found is that long standing emotional problems that are unsolved might have caused this and that the affirmation one should concentrate to heal yourself would be: " I joyously release the past. I am at peace."
Looking at this, it might pretty much be true, I have many unresolved emotions, I am carrying insde of me, not really knowing how to resolve them. Finding peace seems to be the answer, I am not at WAR with anybody, or am I. I love to describe the acronym WAR as We Are Right? Somebody forcing an issue, viewpoint or agenda on another party, that must obviously then be ?? Wrong???..... hmmmmm ....
Sitting here wondering which emotions I am clinging to as being right, but still affecting my happiness and emotions. Somehow the word that jumps up at me tonight is BETRAYAL... I feel betrayed by loved one's, friends, family and mostly by myself. I feel unsafe with my decision making and I feel like I should forever be ready to be able to deal with "the other shoe dropping"or the "wheels falling off" - using my blog analogy.
How does one feel less betrayed....?? Maybe research worth doing? How does one loose the fear of the next betrayal, that seems to be a given? Something worth thinking about and stomping to dust, till I find a solid opinion worth sharing......
Friday 5 August 2011
Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer true?......
Daisy, Daisy, give you your answer true
I'm half crazy all for the love of you!......
From wikepedia
Daisy Louisa C. De Melker (1 June 1886 - 30 December 1932), (née Hancorn-Smith) simply known as Daisy de Melker, was a trained nurse[1] who poisoned two husbands with strychnine for their life insurance while living in Germiston in the central Transvaal (now Gauteng), and then poisoned her only son with arsenic for reasons which are still unclear. She is historically the second woman to have been hanged in South Africa.
Something made me think of Daisy this morning. Some people struggle to find partners, some love them and leave them.... and then some like Daisy dispose of them......
How is it possible to dispose of somebody - it is difficult enough to break ties and avoid somebody that was close to you, what about dispose. I mean even her son?! Which was the only murder she was convicted for by the way.
How do you find compassion and get into somebody's head, who contemplates and plans disposing of her dearest and her being a nurse and all? Being a nurse myself taking medicine and administration thereof so seriously, it is really such a "cold" thing to do.
I've met a guy, actually in the prison visiting room, who was sitting for life, because he caught his wife and another woman in bed, he shot both, killing the other woman, just wounding his now exwife? Would that me a crime of passion? A "warm" crime, opposite to the cold of Daisy? He seemed like any other person, maybe a bit "needy" for company and humility being his middle name.
How do you take someone's life? The Bible says all sin is sin.... but still taking a life? *sigh*... I wonder ...... WAR - killing somebody you dont know, for a cause?.... too many thoughts...
Actually just want to say ... my mom asked one of my older sisters : " Can you close anything that you've opened?"... she said "Yes, of course, thinking of doors, windows etc."... .My mom kept quite and when they got home, she asked my sister make her some eggs on a sandwich for lunch. She proceeded to crack the shell.... My mom then said, "Wait, I've changed my mind, close it again!"...... The lesson was learnt.
that is how I feel about killing.......making the decision of dying... not even mentioning the ultimate murder suicide! :-(
I'm half crazy all for the love of you!......
From wikepedia
Daisy Louisa C. De Melker (1 June 1886 - 30 December 1932), (née Hancorn-Smith) simply known as Daisy de Melker, was a trained nurse[1] who poisoned two husbands with strychnine for their life insurance while living in Germiston in the central Transvaal (now Gauteng), and then poisoned her only son with arsenic for reasons which are still unclear. She is historically the second woman to have been hanged in South Africa.
Something made me think of Daisy this morning. Some people struggle to find partners, some love them and leave them.... and then some like Daisy dispose of them......
How is it possible to dispose of somebody - it is difficult enough to break ties and avoid somebody that was close to you, what about dispose. I mean even her son?! Which was the only murder she was convicted for by the way.
How do you find compassion and get into somebody's head, who contemplates and plans disposing of her dearest and her being a nurse and all? Being a nurse myself taking medicine and administration thereof so seriously, it is really such a "cold" thing to do.
I've met a guy, actually in the prison visiting room, who was sitting for life, because he caught his wife and another woman in bed, he shot both, killing the other woman, just wounding his now exwife? Would that me a crime of passion? A "warm" crime, opposite to the cold of Daisy? He seemed like any other person, maybe a bit "needy" for company and humility being his middle name.
How do you take someone's life? The Bible says all sin is sin.... but still taking a life? *sigh*... I wonder ...... WAR - killing somebody you dont know, for a cause?.... too many thoughts...
Actually just want to say ... my mom asked one of my older sisters : " Can you close anything that you've opened?"... she said "Yes, of course, thinking of doors, windows etc."... .My mom kept quite and when they got home, she asked my sister make her some eggs on a sandwich for lunch. She proceeded to crack the shell.... My mom then said, "Wait, I've changed my mind, close it again!"...... The lesson was learnt.
that is how I feel about killing.......making the decision of dying... not even mentioning the ultimate murder suicide! :-(
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Forbidden Fruit......
As from the days of the garden of Eden the forbidden fruit had been the problem. Adam and Eve got thrown from the garden and had to fend for themselves from then. What was said.... they got the ability to distinguish good from bad and thus had to live their lives constantly making choices between these things. They felt naked and for the first time they were embarassed and made clothes......
Hmmmmmmmm........... all in all do we blame the snake, the woman or the forbidden fruit for loosing innocense?
Innocense are so beautiful still most people constantly seek to find so called "wisdom".. I am just wondering whether there can be innocense in wisdom.... actually more accurately.... is there innocense in compassion?
To truely understand - one would have to have had a very close encounter to a very similar situation - thus doesnt that take your innocense away in regards to that situation. I am not talking about naivity, I am talking about true innocense.... not knowing even of the existance of that forbidden fruit. Not even dreaming of tasting, or experiencing or resisting.
Sometimes I feel a bit soiled by my chosen profession. Very young we were sat down and told about the suffering, the "dirty", the "crazy", the total unfairness of being a patient of whatever nature, surgical, psychiatric, neurologic, oncology.... whatever. Death.... the fact that people die are experienced at a time in our lives, when some other students are wondering what to do with their upcoming holidays. Holidays just meant more hours in the hospital, because we dont need to be in class.
When people hear that I am a nurse, then most would be quite comfortable to share intimate details about their lives, about their health about their families. Sometimes I feel like saying "TOO MUCH INFORMATION".... but I dont because obviously there is a need to discuss these things. I know I should not compare, but when I listen to for example the radio shows. Where people go all hysterical about bodily habits of "some" people... I wonder....
Wait I am digressing, I am talking about forbidden fruit. My point I wanted to make is - it feels like the more you are exposed to understanding humanity and of the feet of clay of most people, one gets a very forgiving nature on the one side... but on the flip side, one also starts to justify actions or not?
Social conditioning has taught me forbidden fruit is a bad thing to be avoided. I know there is limits to everything and it is no use to pretend that our parents were maybe mistaken.... in some instances.... ????
I am struggling a bit with what is right and what is wrong in my mind, I know LOVE and ultimately, I try to act lovingly.... but can one act lovingly towards everybody in every single situation.
The nature of who I am has caused me to taste, or at least smell forbidden fruit daily..... :-(.... am I growing in wisdom or am I slowly poisoning myself from the inside?
I have established that the wheels of life turns and what comes around goes around. Actually I dont want to know or care anymore... I just want to be wise in my innocense of not knowing ..... forget .... about the fruit in the middle of the garden.
Or do I?
*sigh*
Hmmmmmmmm........... all in all do we blame the snake, the woman or the forbidden fruit for loosing innocense?
Innocense are so beautiful still most people constantly seek to find so called "wisdom".. I am just wondering whether there can be innocense in wisdom.... actually more accurately.... is there innocense in compassion?
To truely understand - one would have to have had a very close encounter to a very similar situation - thus doesnt that take your innocense away in regards to that situation. I am not talking about naivity, I am talking about true innocense.... not knowing even of the existance of that forbidden fruit. Not even dreaming of tasting, or experiencing or resisting.
Sometimes I feel a bit soiled by my chosen profession. Very young we were sat down and told about the suffering, the "dirty", the "crazy", the total unfairness of being a patient of whatever nature, surgical, psychiatric, neurologic, oncology.... whatever. Death.... the fact that people die are experienced at a time in our lives, when some other students are wondering what to do with their upcoming holidays. Holidays just meant more hours in the hospital, because we dont need to be in class.
When people hear that I am a nurse, then most would be quite comfortable to share intimate details about their lives, about their health about their families. Sometimes I feel like saying "TOO MUCH INFORMATION".... but I dont because obviously there is a need to discuss these things. I know I should not compare, but when I listen to for example the radio shows. Where people go all hysterical about bodily habits of "some" people... I wonder....
Wait I am digressing, I am talking about forbidden fruit. My point I wanted to make is - it feels like the more you are exposed to understanding humanity and of the feet of clay of most people, one gets a very forgiving nature on the one side... but on the flip side, one also starts to justify actions or not?
Social conditioning has taught me forbidden fruit is a bad thing to be avoided. I know there is limits to everything and it is no use to pretend that our parents were maybe mistaken.... in some instances.... ????
I am struggling a bit with what is right and what is wrong in my mind, I know LOVE and ultimately, I try to act lovingly.... but can one act lovingly towards everybody in every single situation.
The nature of who I am has caused me to taste, or at least smell forbidden fruit daily..... :-(.... am I growing in wisdom or am I slowly poisoning myself from the inside?
I have established that the wheels of life turns and what comes around goes around. Actually I dont want to know or care anymore... I just want to be wise in my innocense of not knowing ..... forget .... about the fruit in the middle of the garden.
Or do I?
*sigh*
Tuesday 2 August 2011
"POP" goes the weasel.....
I can do nothing but giggle. One is so proud if you manage to control your emotions and stay cool, calm and collected in the face of challenges.... uhmmmmm ....... Pressure tends to take its toll and "POP" went this weasel...
I am all giggly about it like a little girl, but also a bit disappointed that my calm mask evaporated into at first animated suprise at the response I was getting, then quick contemplation on how am I suppose to react, which is interupted with "POP".... the unexpected counter reaction.
The adrenaline is pumping a bit so there is no guilt, no tears... nothing... actually I feel like a justified weasel.
People dont expect hefty counter reactions from me for some reason, which adds to the efficiency of the "POP"... People are so suprised, they most of the times "forget" to counter act, or the counter reaction is a bit deflated.
Well this weasel is not managing emotions today..... who wants to live through a "POP"!!??
I am all giggly about it like a little girl, but also a bit disappointed that my calm mask evaporated into at first animated suprise at the response I was getting, then quick contemplation on how am I suppose to react, which is interupted with "POP".... the unexpected counter reaction.
The adrenaline is pumping a bit so there is no guilt, no tears... nothing... actually I feel like a justified weasel.
People dont expect hefty counter reactions from me for some reason, which adds to the efficiency of the "POP"... People are so suprised, they most of the times "forget" to counter act, or the counter reaction is a bit deflated.
Well this weasel is not managing emotions today..... who wants to live through a "POP"!!??
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